Therapy
by AnonymousW
Summary: Aftermath of 4x16, Harvey is dealing with Donna's loss.
1. Chapter 1

_People! I can't seem to be able to stop with these two! I'm sure you heard the spoiler that Harvey will be seeing a therapist in season 5; this fic is based on that idea. It's a small chapter, just something to get me started. Hope you enjoy!_

He's not really sure how or why he came to work that morning.

She had told him she's leaving him the night before, leaving him to work for Louis, and everything had become hazy. He fought the tears burning in his eyes, watching her walk away, as he choked with the words in his mouth. He wondered what his words were going to be "Just because I…" he had said. _Just because what?_ He cursed himself. He wasn't even sure what would come out of his mouth had she not interrupted him. Truth is, he'd lost track of their relationship a long time ago. He didn't know what they were, how they felt, where she ended and he began.

He's not really sure how or why he came to work that morning.

* * *

[3 days later]

He's been sitting in his office all day, attempting to work. It didn't help that he had far more alcohol in his blood than the usual. An empty bottle of whiskey stood next to a now half-filled one. He felt helpless, angry, and wished for the first time he didn't have a glass office. He could feel everyone staring at him, half their looks judgmental, the other pitiful or sympathetic, watching him like hawks, waiting for him to burst at any moment. He even thought he had seen Donna pass by, laying her eyes on him or a few seconds before walking away. Not that he hadn't already lost it, multiple times. He had seen her the day before, looking as flawless as ever, sitting in front of Louis' office, as he wished he could wipe that smug smirk off his face. When Mike walked in, telling him of his progress in their case, Harvey grew angry: "It's not enough" he said.

"I just started, I can find something…" Mike explained

"You're not doing it fast enough" he barked back

"Harvey, we still have time to find the right witness" Mike reasoned patiently.

"_You'll have plenty of time to find the right girl Mike" he had told him._

Something about these words hit a nerve, causing Harvey to raise his voice, filled with hurt.

"You think you have time then you're wrong! One minute it's staring you in the face and the other it slips right through your fingers!" he shouted.

"Harvey" Mike whispered, well aware Harvey was deflecting.

Harvey's face dropped, realizing where his words were coming from. He didn't say anything else, and Mike decided it was best to leave him alone, walking fast towards his office to find a new lead, before his boss snaps again.

It happened again when Rachel walked in, demanding to work on a case: "Harvey, I need you to assign work for me. I am your associate, not Mike" she said. He wasn't in the mood for this; he couldn't bear to hear anyone complaining when he felt his world crumbling down, unable to do anything about it. "Harvey, are you listening?" Rachel pushed. He raised his eyes at her with anger, no fury, before he started shouting: "What do you want from me Rachel? You want work? Here, take it, have your pick" he threw papers in the air. "Murder, embezzlement, corporate piracy, you think you can handle this?" he enumerated. Rachel stood there, silent, observing the man she never saw in a weak position crumbling down. "Here take it! You want a chance to prove yourself? Take a case and stop making everything about you!"

She left without a word, as his fists gripped around the paper, leaving paper cuts in the space between his thumb and the rest of his fingers.

_You know I'd fall apart without you  
I don't know how you do what you do  
'Cause everything that don't make sense about me  
Makes sense when I'm with you_

_\- Wanted by Hunter Hayes_

_Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think, your reviews will make me decide to continue or not :)_

_Review!_

_-G_


	2. Chapter 2

_Whoah! Thank you all for the amazing feedback, didn't know I'd be updating so fast. Again, chapter is not long, but the next one should be charged. I hope you enjoy this, and let me know what you think! _

_P.s: For the guest who asked about the spoiler of Harvey seeing a therapist, it's from eonline, news/633549/spoiler-chat-scoop-on-scandal-good-wife-homeland-nashville-big-bang-and-more, just copy into your browser :)_

It didn't get better after a week. The numbness grew inside of him, his insides flushed out, as he watched the world move while he stood still. He could still hear everyone's whispers, still losing his temperament at the smallest incident.

It didn't get better after a week and now the sight of a leggy brunette at Donna's desk welcoming him as he arrived far too late didn't help either.

"Who are you?" he asked harshly, barely glancing at the woman who looked far too much like Scottie.

"Laura. I'm your new secretary" she answered, her voice shaking from fear.

"No you're not" he said, the icy calmness in his voice even more frightening.

He ignored her for the rest of day, until she walked into his office around 6 p.m.

"Why are you still here?" he asked, his hand hugging the glass of whiskey.

"Because I am your new secretary" she said more confidently. _Don't flinch, _they told her. _It should get better, show him you're there_, they had said.

"Stop staying that" he responded, sipping from his glass. She didn't seem to hear him as she continued: "And I've made some modifications to the filing system".

He stood up, anger boiling up in his blood. "You did what?" he shouted. "I-uh just thought" she started mumbling. "This filing system has been here for 15 years, ever since Donna and I came here" he continued, his voice louder but shakier. It's the first time he said her name after his pleads.

"_Donna, please" he had said, before the words died on his lips. _

Her name burnt in his throat, leaving a sour taste on his mouth. "Donna's not here anymore" Laura said, knowing immediately she had made a mistake, as his facial expression went from angry to completely mad. His hand reaches for some souvenir from one of his clients, swinging his arm before throwing it against the wall just next to where she stood, as the glass shattered, the souvenir breaking into a million pieces.

Laura walked out of his office fast, grabbing her things and making a mental note never to step into that place again, as her eyes were filled with terror. His fist stayed clenched for minutes, before the numbness reached his fingertips. He sank on the couch, filling his glass again.

"_I love you Harvey"_ _she said_. The words reverberated in his ears, like a broken record, repeating over and over again, the scratching of his own words tearing him inside.

_[A couple of hours later]_

"You've…redecorated" he heard Jessica say as she threw a look at the shattered glass, walking into his office, while he stood looking at the New York skyline, his back to her.

"Harvey" she called him, meaning to make him face her. He didn't move for a couple of seconds, before turning around, her eyes falling on him. He looked like shit, his shirt crisped, his tie removed, his eyes red. She wondered if he had been crying, before shaking the thought out of her head. He looked desperate, lost, a sight she had never seen.

"I heard about your incident with Laura" she said, a warning yet soft tone in her voice. He didn't say a word, walking to put his glass on the tray, looking at a new empty bottle.

"Harvey, you need a new secretary" she said firmly.

"No" he just said, shaking his head.

"Harvey, I know losing Donna has been hard" she said, repeating the same words she had used when she fired her. "Believe me I do" she said, showing her vulnerability. "But this, this is not helping" she continued, gesturing to air around her. "You have barely done any work since, you've been barking at every single person who tries to talk to you, and alcohol is not going to fix this" she explained.

He's sick of it, sick of hearing her say she knew and understood what he felt, she didn't. "You don't" he finally spoke.

"What?" she asked.

"You don't know how it feels, you and Jeff, it's nothing like me and Donna; so please, save me the trouble of an emotional bullshit talk" he shouted, making Jessica angry.

"What did you just say to me?" she asked angrily. "Whatever I say to you is no bullshit, and whether it has to with Jeff and me is irrelevant" she explained harshly. "I am managing partner so you will respect me and listen to me. I am SORRY you lost Donna Harvey, but you have clients, your name is on the goddamn door, you're a named partner, you better start acting like one" she snapped, drawing back the line between them.

She started walking out before she turned around. "You need help Harvey, I'm setting you up with a therapist I know" she said. Harvey laughed for the first time in a week, his laugh however desperate, mocking. It's when he noticed how serious Jessica was that he looked at her with disbelief: "You're serious?" he asked, knowing that she was.

"Do I look like I'm joking?" she asked raising her voice. "You start tomorrow, twice a week. I'll have her call you. No buts" she said as she saw him try to talk.

"I'm not seeing a therapist!" He argued back.

"Like hell you are; it's either that, or your names goes off the wall" she threatened, her voice firm.

Harvey felt the anger pumping in his vein. _A therapist_, he repeated, _how the hell can a stranger help him?_ _He'd go just to make Jessica stop picking on him; everyone knows he won't be speaking anything anyway. _

"I'm still not having a secretary" he shouted so that she'd hear him on her way out.

"Then learn to set your own goddamn appointments" she said, walking out like a tigress who had just won a fight.

_So next chapter we'll see Harvey's first meeting with the therapist! I'm really going to try to dig into the character._

_Let me know what you think, leaving reviews are a great motivation :)_

_-G_


	3. Chapter 3

_Thank you to all those who reviewed previous chapters. As promised, this one is a bit longer :) Don't forget to drop a review!_

* * *

He wasn't sure how the next day came to its end so fast, until he remembered his appointment at the therapist. Dr. Meg Laurie. What was that name anyway? Sounds like an actress rather than someone who is supposed to help him. He had spent the day in his office, having food delivered to his office, avoiding all possible sight of Donna or any other human contact at all. The sight of her empty desk hurt him so much every single time that his brain had started to build a defense mechanism, his eyes able to see the whole scenery except for her empty desk.

_PTSD, post-traumatic stress disorder_, he recalled from his psychology course at Harvard, able to hear his professor's voice. She had told the class about a man who had lost his sight after watching his family being murdered. He wasn't sure why he thought about that now, and laughed at his own diagnosis. _It couldn't be this bad, it is just a defense mechanism, _he repeated to himself.

Around 5:30 pm, Jessica popped her head through his glass door. "You should leave now, your appointment is in 40 minutes, and with the traffic jam…" she explained, looking at him sitting motionless, a paper in his hand. She waited a few seconds for him to react, before she watched him get up helplessly, exhaling loudly, and taking his coat silently. He looked like a kid, sulking at his mother's punishment, as he walked outside his office, waiting for the elevator to arrive. As soon as it reached the floor, Harvey stepped inside, hitting the GF button, before turning around.

His heart sank to his stomach as the sight of Donna, ready to leave. Their eyes locked for a few seconds, before he looked away, unable to stop his eyes from watering. He saw her lips quiver, about to talk, as his brain ordered him to hold the door, only seconds too late. He released his breath as the door closed on her face, feeling ten times worse than before; unsure how that was even possible. His jaw clenched, as he walked fast to the city streets, hoping the icy cold wind would help him relax. He remembered the last time they were in a vaguely similar situation, after the mock trial.

"_Do you love Harvey Specter?" Louis barked, as her face turned into 50 shades of red_

_He hadn't understood her answer then, "it's complicated", mad at her for evading the answer. But now he did, more than ever._

Even the wind was mocking him, slapping his face so hard he needed to practically run to where Ray was parked. He gave his driver the address, watching as the car drove through a quiet and relatively empty neighborhood. The building was just as Jessica had described; a cozy furnished apartments one. He walked in looking for the elevator, before he noticed that there was none. _Perfect_, he thought, _4 floors to climb in a suit. _He still wasn't very sure why he was there; sure he wasn't in his normal state, but he didn't see how a complete stranger could help.

He knocked on the door, before a woman opened it, a small smile on her face.

"You must be Harvey" she said inspecting him, as if checking with the description Jessica had given her. "I'm Meg" she continued, extending her hand, which Harvey shook firmly.

She was in her early 60s, brown hair with some white stand-outs, relatively tall, soft lines, round glasses, her green eyes piercing from behind. "Have a seat" she invited him, as he inspected the place. It was rather small, a room with a desk and two couches, a small kitchen and a bathroom. He sat reluctantly, anxious of what will happen next.

"Why don't you start by telling me a bit about yourself Harvey" she started, grabbing a notebook and a pen. Harvey was already annoyed from the first sentence. He rolled his eyes, gathering his most mocking voice when he said: "I'm Harvey Specter; I like to watch movies and play baseball". He looked up to see her non-amused expression. He realized he was being a kid, and exhaled deeply before he continued.

"I'm a lawyer and named partner at Pearson Specter Litt" he said, his tone stingy as he said Louis' last name. He stopped talking, unsure what to say next. "Best closer in New York city" he barely said, his voice self-mocking. It was the first time he didn't feel like he fit in that title, not because he wasn't, but because for the first time, he didn't feel like being that person anymore.

She nodded, before asking again: "And outside work? Any activities?" He swallowed hard, before answering sincerely: "I've made work my life"

"No family?" she asked.

"Father passed away a couple of years ago. I have a young brother, Marcus. We have different lives, I don't see him much" he explained.

She scribbled down her notebook, noticing how he never mentioned anything about his mother.

"Girlfriend?" she asked. He moved his head in a negation motion, the image of Donna from earlier popping back in his mind. He stood up, walking to the window as Meg watched him closely, his back tense, before he slipped his hands in his pants.

She started saying something about how she needed to know him before addressing his issues, a monologue he didn't hear half of. He felt like he was suffocating, eager to leave that room. "I think we should stop here" he said, about to leave.

"Harvey, we just started" she reasoned, her voice soft. "Let's just have a few more minutes" she continued, as he paced back and forth in the apartment, before sitting down, his leg bouncing up and down.

"Tell me about people at work, they are like your family correct? Tell me names" she questioned. He nodded, as she waited for him to elaborate. _Fine,_ he thought, _he'd give her some things he knew she wanted to hear. _

"There's Jessica" he started, "without whom I wouldn't be here, literally and figuratively" he pointed to the room and to himself. "We are co-workers, she's my mentor" he said. It was unexplainable how difficult it was for him to voice his feelings. "Friends?" Meg asked. "Yes, you could say so" he admitted. "Good" she encouraged. "Anyone else?" she asked again

"Mike used to be my associate, taught him everything he knows" he said, unable to suppress a proud tone. "Smart kid, loyal, compassionate, caring…" he enumerated, as if he had memorized it. "He and Rachel are getting married. She's my associate now; bright but needs to have more confidence" he continued, as if writing down employees' assessments.

"What do you think? About their engagement?" she asked curiously. He shrugged. "Mike always knew better. Maybe he's rushing, and she messed up badly not long ago…" he said, from the top of his head before continuing "But he knows better so yeah, happy for them" he said, his voice void of feelings.

"So would you say Mike is your 'person' at work?" she asked, watching his confused face, not sure what she meant by her Grey's Anatomy reference. _Yes she's in her sixties and a Grey's fan, sue her!_

"You know, the person you trust most, your confident, and the one you turn to" she explained.

"No" he said quickly. "That's Donna", he said, the mention of her name causing him to fidget in his seat, his hand anxiously playing with the line of his pocket. He sat silently, as she examined his face.

"Tell me about Donna" she pushed. He wasn't sure he could do that, talk about her, having to remember everything about her, about them.

"We met 15 years ago" he started, noting the interest on Meg's face. "She started working as my assistant at the D.A.'s office. I left for Gordon Shmidt Van Dyke, she came with me. Here we are" he said briefly.

"Tell me about her" she repeated, noticing how uncomfortable he was. "I just did" he said, defensive walls up again. "You gave me a historic about her professional life Harvey" she indicated. "Tell me about her as a person" she continued.

"She's smart, beautiful, witty, quick, and knows me better than I know myself. Always has. I trust her with my life, she's my best friend." he paused. "She's loyal beyond any belief, she made me who I am today and we are a team" he quickly added, as if the quicker he said the least it would hurt. She couldn't help but notice the spark in his eyes as he spoke about her, the only sight of life she had seen in him today. He swallows hard, barely whispering: "were".

It didn't escape her, the change in the verb tense. "Were?" she repeated. She was ready to drill him more, ask him more questions, as she finally felt that she was getting somewhere. He stood up, putting on his jacket again. "Enough for today" he said, walking outside fast, as if running away from his own words. "See you in two days!" Meg shouted for him to hear.

He had given Ray the night off, and decided to walk home. Sure it was a long way home, but it was also going to be a long night. He started walking in the busy streets of New York, watching couples walk hand in hand.

Harvey thought there was something beautiful about watching two people lovingly act silly together, behaving as though no one existed. Beautiful and hauntingly lonely, their laughs turning into mockery, pointing at the emptiness in his life.

He finished another bottle of whiskey that night, drinking himself to sleep.

* * *

_I hope you enjoyed reading this, I had fun writing it. I have so many ideas in my head, which means more chapters, of course if you'd like it. Let me know what you think, review!_

_-G_


	4. Chapter 4

_Thank you so much to all those who reviewed! Again, the feedback is amazing, making me update when I should really study for my midterms :) Hope you enjoy this one, don't forget to drop a review!_

* * *

He wasn't that anxious the second time around, although he knew she would be addressing the Donna topic immediately. She had caught him the other night, seen the emotions in his eyes as he spoke of her. So despite his desire to be left alone, he was glad he could talk to someone. Someone who didn't know him, couldn't judge him; not yet anyway. He hadn't spoken more than five words for a week, which made talking to Meg come as a sort of relief, reminding him of the sound of his own voice.

He acted a bit nicer at work; at least he tried. He had to admit he was way over his head without an assistant, the rushing and repetitive phone calls making him unplug the wire. But he wasn't getting a new assistant, he didn't need one. When Mike came for updates, Harvey couldn't help but ask him hesitantly.

"How is she? Donna?" he said so low that Mike wasn't sure he had heard him speak. Mike took a few seconds to answer, watching his boss' eyes follow his every move.

"She's okay. Adapting" he finally answered, taking a second to observe Harvey's reaction. He nods quietly, acknowledging for the first time that this wasn't easy for her either, as Mike left him drowning in his thoughts.

He drank less that day, mainly because he had ran out of alcohol. He made a mental note to refill his stash, something that Donna usually did without him having to ask. _One of the things she did_, he thought. He drank less so it hurt more. He had never known that emotional pain could transcend to a physical one until he felt his heart wince, his neck tense when he caught the glimpse of her shadow walking towards the espresso machine.

He knocked on the door of Meg's Clinique. She answered a few seconds later, welcoming him in. He looked slightly more relaxed than the last time she saw him.

"How are you today?" she asked.

"Fine" he mumbled, waiting for her to ask the next question. She didn't hesitate for another second.

"We were talking about Donna last time, and you said 'were'" she started, noticing how his palms slipped into each other, as if preventing his fists to clench. "Do you mean to say that she quit?" she continued.

"No. She's working for Louis now" he said, his voice low and angry. His palms were getting sweaty, as he massaged his own hands.

"Why?" she asked, curiosity spiking in her voice

"I don't want to talk about it" he answered promptly, as she saw the walls around him build up.

"Harvey" she reasoned, "if this is the problem, and I have a feeling that it is, I cannot help you if you don't tell me what happened" she continued.

"Then I guess you cannot help me" he insisted, getting up and preparing himself to leave, knowing deep down he would be sitting again in a matter of seconds.

"Okay then, you don't have to tell me why now" she compromised, "but I need you to tell me how it feels" she explained.

"I don't do feelings" he answered simply, challenging her as he pouted.

"Starting now you do. How does it feel Harvey? Not to have Donna by your side?" She rephrased.

"I'm fine" he said, hoping he'd convince her as well as himself.

She took a deep breath, pausing for a few seconds, thinking of a new approach to get to him.

"According to Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, when we are dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial, before we become angry with everyone. Then we bargain. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, until finally we have to accept that we have done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance." she recited.

"And this is relevant to me how?" he asked annoyed, clearly knowing how that was relevant in his case.

Meg looked at him with a look that said she saw right through his act.

"You haven't hired her replacement yet" she stated, waiting for an explanation.

"I don't need to, she's coming back" he explained calmly.

"_You haven't hired her replacement" Jessica had told him over the phone, as he held poker chips in his hand._

"_She's irreplaceable" he had explained._

"Harvey, she left you" Meg reasoned, making him snap.

"Stop talking about her like she's dead! She's right there! She's fucking right there!" he shouted. Meg nodded carefully, scribbling on her notebook.

"And how does that make you feel? That's she there, yet not available for you?" She asked.

_Goddamn it, there she goes with feelings again. _Harvey took a deep breath before saying: "Mostly angry" he admitted with his voice low as if ashamed. "Angry and extremely sad" he continued, his eyes drifting to his hands. She didn't say anything, causing him to look up, trying to read her assessment.

"Okay" she said, allowing him to breathe for a second. "Will you tell me what makes you think she's coming back?" she asked gently.

"Because we don't do separate" he explained confidently. "We've been a team for 15 years, you can't just undo that" he continued, pain clear on his face.

"But you said Donna is a very rational person, correct?" she asked, as he nodded. "And she's highly logical, and doesn't rush into things?" she continued, as he nodded again. "So going from that angle, she must have thought her decision through, right? And that makes her coming back to you" she said, as she watched him frown, agitated as if waiting to snap at her for her next words, "not a certainty" she chose her words carefully.

He shook his head, refusing to agree with what she was saying. "No, she's coming back" he repeated.

"Harvey, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. This is denial; you are in denial, because losing her is so unthinkable to you, so strange, that you'd rather pretend nothing has changed" she explained carefully, watching him hear the words he clearly didn't want to comprehend.

Maybe she was right.

The other time Donna was away from him, when she was fired, it wasn't because of him. He could fix it, but now, he didn't know how. He was in denial every time he walked into his office, hoping to see her looking flawless in her cubicle, or leaving his coffee on his desk. He was in denial every time he closed his eyes and opened them again, hoping he'd hear her voice through the intercom accusing him to be getting old. Even when he snapped at Laura, he had hoped deep down she would somehow walk in and shout at him to get his shit together.

So yes, maybe she was right.

Meg observed Harvey come to his own realization. She could see the lines of clarity on his face, acknowledging her words. But then she saw something else, anger, building up inside him.

"Harvey" she called out, as he tried to remain calm. He raised his eyes towards her, before standing up, putting on his jacket.

"I'll see you next week" he said, walking slowly towards the door.

"Let's continue a bit more?" she suggested. She felt like he was in no shape to leave, not now. Any rash decision would set him back where he started.

"Not today" he said, his voice low, heading towards the door.

He walked out with the realization finally hitting him: she was gone. She had left him, she had left him by choice, and she wasn't coming back. He walked towards the car, his peripheral view fuzzy from his own tears.

And then he remembered his father's words, once when they were having a drink, and he had teased him about Donna.

"_Be careful son, she might be fine with how things are now, but one day, she'll want more. Don't let her walk away" he had said, as Harvey dwelled on his words, taking a sip out of his whiskey. _

His heart ached even more at the memory of his father, imagining his disappointed eyes disapproving the situation.

"You were right pops, I'm sorry" he said to his ceiling, choking as he went to bed that night.

* * *

_I feel bad when I write Harvey this broken, but it's nice to see him in a way we never would on the show no? Plus it makes me dig deep into his personality. He will get better though, I promise, it's just baby steps. Still full of ideas for other chapters, I hope you're as excited as I am. Don't forget to let me know what you think, _

_-G_


	5. Chapter 5

_Hey guys! Thanks for the reviews. I'm in real trouble, midterm in about 12 hours, and here I am, writing. So I hope you appreciate this chapter, and let me know as usual :)_

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He woke up feeling a bit better the next morning, the ten hours of sleep giving him the rest he needed. He tried not to think of Donna, any thought of her sending a wave of anger through him. He wasn't really sure what or who he was angry at. He was mad at her for leaving him, furious at himself for letting her, and enraged at the situation altogether. He shifted his focus to his work, thinking about the difficult cases he had and of a way to persuade his client to do as he wanted him to. He had a difficult case with Mr. Smith, a very strict man who surprisingly doesn't succumb to the "Specter Charm".

Mike had just arrived to work when Donna called him from her new cubicle, facing Louis' office. "Hey" she greeted him, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"Hi" he said softly, lines of worry on his face. "How are you?" he asked genuinely.

"I'm good" she answered, her tone lacking conviction. "How is he?" she asked straightforwardly.

It was the first time she had dared ask about him. She knew that hearing anything about him would make her second guess her decision, make her weak. But a week had passed, a week where she had no idea about how he was doing, something that was foreign to her. She was used to knowing his every thought, decision, and fear. The sight of him leaving work the day before as they almost shared an elevator ride made her heart wince, pushing her to ask Mike. She watched the kid trying to formulate words, the gravity of the situation obvious on his face.

"How many a day?" she asked again when he wouldn't answer her question.

Drinks. She measured the severity of the situation by how much he drank per day. Mike swallowed hard before he answered: "A bottle". Her eyes widened in terror, as Mike nodded, watching her bite her lower lip. A silence fell as Mike prepared himself to leave.

"Hey Mike" she called again, making him turn.

"Go to the coffee shop on the corner, ask for Tom. Tell him I sent you and you need the 'Special morning after' for Harvey Specter" she recited as Mike watched her with a mix of surprise and amazement. He never understood how two people can be as close as Donna and Harvey were, even when they were literally apart.

"Got it" Mike said, smiling warmly at her, as he started to walk.

"And Mike don't –"she started saying, before he stopped her. "I won't say it's from you don't worry. But he'll know won't he?" he asked, already knowing the answer.

"He'll know" she whispered, looking back down on the stack of papers lying on her desk.

Harvey walked into his office and found a folder on his desk. He opened it to find details about Mr. Smith's life, ranging from his hobbies, travel history, wife to his secret lover. He looked up towards Donna's cubicle by force of habit, before reminding himself it couldn't be her. Mike must've stepped up, acknowledging the tough case they faced. He made a mental note to thank him for it.

A few minutes later, Mike walked in with coffee in his hand, cheerfully greeting his boss. Harvey looked at Mike and raised an eyebrow, noting the coffee in his hand. The kid was really trying hard. He ruined it when he asked: "How are you? With the Donna thing?". Harvey rolled his eyes, quickly saying: "Listen Mike. She left me ok? Let's talk about work". It was the first time he admitted her leaving him, his voice void of any acceptance. It was angry, frustrated.

When Mike handed him the coffee, Harvey immediately recognized the scent. It was THE coffee, the special morning after one. His facial expressions went from surprised to puzzled, and his suspicions were confirmed when he saw the note on the cup. It read: "_Glad to know you are still as wild. Tom"_

Mike hadn't even noticed the writing until he saw Harvey reading it. He saw his boss' confused face, as his hand hugged the cup. He took a sip, inhaling its vapor like some sacred scent, his body relaxing immediately.

There's a mixture of satisfaction and sadness when he asked: "Donna?"

Mike nodded, before adding: "I'm starting to wonder what the special morning after means. After what?" he asked curiously. Harvey smiled melancholically, not saying anything, the smile on his face saying enough.

"Mike" Harvey called as the kid was leaving his office. "Good job on this" he said, gesturing to the folder in his hand. Mike looked at him with a face that indicated he had no idea what that folder was. Harvey read the expression on his face, and it took seconds for Mike to catch up.

"See? She didn't really leave you" was all Mike managed to say before leaving Harvey to his thoughts.

* * *

_[D.A.'s office days]_

_They had an end of a year party for the D.A's office, at some fancy hotel downtown. _

"_Let's go together" he had pursued her all day, while she pushed and ignored him just to have fun. _

"_I know why you don't want to" he had said smugly, when she wouldn't give him the answer he wanted._

"_And why is that?" she asked, as they stood facing each other, their nose almost touching. He loved how she stood toe to toe with him, challenging him in everything. She was one of the few women to do that. He leaned in close, whispering into her ear. _

"_You're into me" he said, his breath tickling her skin. _

_She controlled herself, ever the actress, ignoring the tingling feeling in her stomach as she brushed him off. " Oh this again? I told you Harvey, if anybody is falling for anybody it would be you for me" she repeated confidently. _

"_Come with me to the party tonight" he repeated, as she rolled her eyes in faked annoyance. _

"_You're unbearable. Fine, if that means you'll leave me alone" she answered, sitting on her desk and grabbing whatever paper was lying there, pretending to get back to work._

_He smiled his victorious grin, the one she loved so much, as he leaned in, cocking his head. "Be ready at seven" he said, winking and leaving her with a million dress choices on her mind. _

_She looked beautiful. No, beautiful would not cut it. She looked intoxicatingly beautiful. The kind that made him struggle to breathe. She wore an emerald dress with a V-cut exposing her freckled lower back, where his fingers would clumsily lie for the rest of the evening. _

_The list of guests to the party included most important people in the law world, making conversing a very important task for the night. Harvey couldn't help for a better person than Donna to stand next to him. She was smart, witty, and beautiful, something one important client didn't miss when he said: "I got to say Mr. Specter, if I were you, I'd put a ring on that finger" as he indicated Donna's hand, as she stood there calmly, used to the compliments. His hand reached protectively to her lower back again, unaware how his contact and lack of it made her skin burn and shiver. _

_They were having too many drinks. "We have work tomorrow" Donna tried to reason, already tipsy. People were starting to leave, giving them room to loosen up. _

"_Come on, let's have fun" he said, pulling her from her elbow to the bar, where he ordered too many shots. She gave him a dangerous look, knowing she'd regret her decision as soon as she felt the sour tequila burn in her throat. It's around the third shot that he stood so close to her she wasn't sure where her personal space ended and his began. _

"_Tell you what, challenge me to something" he whispered, his eyes shamelessly checking her out. _

"_And what's at stake?" she asked._

"_If I win, you come home with me. If I lose…" he said, giving her room for suggestions_

"_You'll do the chicken dance in the middle of the room" she replied, satisfied. They shook hands, hers cold, his warm. _

"_You have to guess what colors my panties are" she whispered, as he raised his eyebrow in surprise. _

"_Really? Out of all the challenges, you pick this easy one? Damn, you really must be into me" he joked, as she hit him lightly on the chest._

"_Let's see" he started, giving her such a dirty look she felt the blood creeping up her face. "I'm willing to bet most dominating color in your panties drawer is red" he said confidently, "but tonight is a bit special, so you've changed" he continued, as she gulped at how accurate his description was. "I'm going to say…black" he finally said, as she smiled victoriously. _

_She leaned in, whispering into his ear: "You lost Specter. I'm not wearing any" she mischievously smiled, taking another shot alone, her fiery hair swinging up and down. _

_Harvey looked with disbelief at her, before attempting to seduce her again: "Why don't you prove it to me?" he asked. She chuckled, totally in control of the situation, before she excitedly turned towards the empty space in the middle of the room. "Chicken dance time Specter" she said, practically pushing him to the middle. "All of it" she shouted, as he moved his head in disbelief. This woman was driving him mad. _

_He did the chicken dance; she filmed it all. _

_They continued on drinking and talking, until there was no one left but them. _

"…_and that was the third fiancé I left" she said giggling, as his laughter erupted. Something about the way she laughed, about how things were so easy between them that made the next words come out of his mouth._

"_My mom left me when I was a kid" he stated, as she looked at him with so much tenderness and concern. He told her the whole story that night; he had never told anyone. _

_They left the hotel at 6 a.m., drunk and unaware of the time until the sunlight sent knives into their heads. _

"_Shit! We have work in an hour!" Donna said, half laughing half worried. _

"_I have trial today!" Harvey remembered, his eyes panicking. _

"_Ok ok let's calm down" Donna said. "You have an extra suit in your office, I really should go home and change but first thing first, we need coffee" she explained, as he followed thoroughly, nodding in agreement at every word she said. "I know a place" she said, looking around and passing by what was now today Pearson Specter Litt. _

_The coffee shop was empty; it had only just opened. The man on the cashier looked at Donna and Harvey, a wide smile spread on his face. His tag read 'Tom'. _

"_Hi Tom" she said, "give me your strongest coffee, anything to help, you see" she said, before she was cut off by her own hiccup, rising so high it surprised her. Tom laughed, smiling in understanding. "You two are suffering from a wild night I see" he teased. "Don't worry, I think I have what you need" he said. He worked for a few minutes, as they sat on one of the high tables there. _

"_You look like shit" Donna mused, looking at his loose tie. _

"_You still look beautiful" he said genuinely, adding a teasing smile to save himself. _

"_Not gonna happen Harvey" she stubbornly said._

"_One day Paulsen, one day…" he whispered._

_The coffee was magical. Tom called it the 'special morning after coffee'. It became a habit, coming to that coffee shop after wild post-work celebrations. They hadn't done it in years._

* * *

Harvey snapped out of his memory at the sound of Jessica's heels, there to talk business. He drank that coffee the slowest he had even drank anything, afraid it would run out too soon, just be gone, like the person who had made it such a sentimental object.

* * *

_Hope you enjoyed reading this! Let me know what you think. So obviously no therapy in this chapter, in the strict sense, but next update should be heavy, so let me know if you'd want me to continue. Off to study, please review._

_-G_


	6. Chapter 6

He didn't see her that day, although he spent it all thinking and preparing what he would say to her if he had. It's only when he left at 9 that he realized she had probably already left; Louis never worked as late as he did.

He had a dream that night, about his mother. He was a kid and she was reading him a book to sleep, before she vanished, leaving him alone. He woke up in alarm, wondering what had caused him to dream of her when he hadn't heard from her for years. The memories of her filled his mind the next day, until he went to his therapy session.

"So tell me Harvey, how are things between you two now that you are apart?" Meg started, "do you ever talk?" she asked, the second part of her sentence unheard by Harvey, who started muttering words repetitively. She focused on his voice. "Apart apart apart" he repeated, as if having a stroke. Meg stopped for a second, trying to understand what he was going through. "Harvey?" she called.

He raised his eyes to meet hers for the first time that day. "When I was young, my mother taught me this trick. If you repeat something over and over again, it loses its meaning" he started talking fast, as Meg took quick notes. He spoke of his mother for the first time. "For example: table, table, table, ta-ble, see, nothing" he continued. "Our existence, she said, is the same way. You say the same lie over and over again and you'll stop calling it a lie. If you just wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up, one day you'll forget why" he spoke angrily, his eyes tearing up.

"Nothing is forever, she said. My mother left us when I was just a kid. My father had picked Marcus and me from school. When we came home there was no sign of her, empty space. I imagined it as a misunderstanding, an accident. That she and dad had whispered "I love you" so many times over that they forgot what it meant.

This became all I did. It made the sting of words evaporate. Separation, separation, separation, see, nothing. Apart, apart, apart, see, nothing. This game changed my life forever. The trick is to break everything down, convincing it that it's worthless. I love you, I love you, I love you, see, nothing."

Meg was looking at him with great curiosity, grasping every word coming out of his mouth. He paused for a few seconds before concluding.

"I do not do words. Not only did my mother leave me with emotional baggage; she took away the most important things for human interaction: words" he shouted angrily." I feel the claw of meaning in the bottom of my throat with every word, struggling to escape. I lost Donna because of words I couldn't say" he concluded, drowning in the couch he sat on.

Meg saw Harvey breathing heavily, as if he had just ran a marathon. She took a few seconds to narrow down the issue to be tackled. He had said so many things at once, leaving the door open for many topics.

"Let's talk about your mother for a second Harvey" she said, seeing him shift uneasily in his seat. "How did you feel when she left you?" she asked him.

"At first I didn't understand. I blamed my dad, although I knew she was cheating on him. I hated myself for years, for concealing the truth when I knew it" he spoke low but angry. "Then I let go. I worked hard on myself, took care of my father and brother, never spoke to her again" he concluded.

"But have you? Let go? You mentioned some emotional baggage" Meg argued. He didn't say a word. "Ok Harvey, let's talk about something different" she started again. "When was the last serious relationship you had?" she asked.

"About six months ago, with Scottie" he said briefly.

"Tell me more. How long were you together? Why did it end?" she pushed. Harvey was clearly uncomfortable with the topic; he couldn't even believe he had told her about his mother. It must have been the dream and thoughts of her all day.

"We were on an off really, ever since our Harvard days. But the last time was more serious. Lasted for a few months" he explained, leaving out the rest of the question.

"You say more serious. What was different the last time around? What changed?" she asked.

"Well…" he paused, really thinking about how it all started the last time around. "Donna had mentioned that I fight for everything related to work but nothing related to feelings" he murmured, remembering the scene vividly in his mind. He remembered her face when he asked her if it were about her, wondering if she had lied, if it was really about her.

Meg was writing down everything, nodding at his words. "And you trust Donna so you did as she told you? You fought for Scottie?"

Harvey nodded before adding. "Wasn't really a fight. Donna told me Scottie obviously had feelings for me, but that she never told me because she knew it would drive me away. She was here for business, and we gave it a try" he shrugged.

"Seems to me Donna is a big factor in your relationship decision-making process" she noted.

"She's a big factor in all my decision-making processes" he clarified, as she nodded, scribbling on her notebook.

"And during your time with Scottie, were you able to communicate feelings?" she asked.

"It was a very stressful period at work; we were having some major problem, so it wasn't really smooth waters" he explained.

"Why is work related to your relationship with her?" Meg asked, trying to understand.

"Scottie is a lawyer too. She came to work in the same firm at the time we were together. There was a very confidential situation happening, and I couldn't tell her about it. It drove her away" he explained.

"So no one knew about this situation? Why couldn't you tell her?" she pushed.

"The person concerned, Donna and Jessica knew only" he said. "Because it was confidential" he continued.

"Didn't you trust her?" she asked then.

He took a few seconds to answer before saying. "In the end I told her, but it didn't matter" he said.

"You didn't answer my question" Meg insisted.

"We once slept together when she was engaged and didn't tell me. I don't know if I can ever fully trust her" he confessed.

"That makes her a cheater. Like your mother" she said firmly but softly. Harvey's jaw clenched with anger in his eyes. He didn't say anything, but Meg knew that was how he sometimes saw Scottie.

"How was Scottie and Donna's relationship? Tense I suppose" she asked.

Harvey raised his eyebrow before he said: "Why do you suppose so? I don't know. Donna pushed me to be with her, so she must not think badly of her. But she never fully trusted her"

"Well it's very difficult for a woman to see the person she loves sharing more with another woman than with her" Meg explained. "Scottie knows how close you and Donna are, she knows you trust Donna more than her, that you have a longer history with her. She must have asked you about your relationship. Didn't she?" she asked.

"Yeah" he said.

"And what did you tell her?" she asked again.

"That she was being irrational" he answered.

"Was she?" Meg asked.

"Can you please stop asking questions in an existential tone and just tell me what you are getting at?" he said annoyed.

"I need you to go through the process, or you won't accept whatever theory I offer" she answered calmly. He didn't say anything, causing her to ask a different question. "What couldn't you say to Donna?" she asked again, only to have a silent answer, his eyes avoiding hers.

"Ok let's start differently. Tell me the story of how you two met, all the way to now" she said patiently.

"That's a long story" he muttered. He felt like a kid, but he really didn't want to talk about it.

"Sum it up" she said more firmly.

"I was working for the D.A. office, and I was out celebrating a win" he started. "I was at the bar when she approached me, and I knew from that minute she was something else" he continued, his eyes closing, an image of her that night popping in front of him.

"She was hitting on you?" Meg asked.

"I thought she was, but she wanted something different" he explained. "She wanted to work for me" he continued.

"That's an unconventional way to meet your future boss" Meg commented, seeing the shadow of a smile on Harvey's face.

"She's anything but conventional" he commented. "She told me it was my lucky day, the day I met her. She was right" he continued, his voice low.

"And you worked together ever since?" she asked.

"When we were at the D.A's office, my boss broke the law. She tried to warn me, I didn't listen to her, so she quit. When I found out she was right, I quit too. The next day I got us both a job at our current firm, and here we are" he said.

"You made a lot of progress today Harvey but I'm going to need to go deeper into the nature of your relationship with Donna" she said, noting the panic in his eyes.

"Next time" he said, standing up and putting his jacket on.

Meg couldn't say anything especially that they had exceeded the traditional fifty minutes session.

He walked out and went home, putting on one of his dad's vinyl disks on, as he slowly sipped his glass of Scotch, the burning taste soothing his throat, calming the still bubbling anger in his veins. He thinks about calling Donna, just to hear her voice, or to shout at her, or to ask how she has been. Just to **something**, but he doesn't.

_I can remember the good old days,  
when you and me used to hide away  
where the stars were shining or the sun was blinding our eyes_

Yeah you filled up my glass,  
with promises that could never last  
And I still find pieces of you in the back of my mind

* * *

_Thank you for reading this chapter and for the reviews. Part of this was inspired by a poem called "Repetition" by Phil Kay, check it out if you are interested. As usual, let me know what you think :)_

_-G_


	7. Chapter 7

That night, Harvey lied down in bed thinking about his session with Meg. He cursed himself for opening so many doors on himself, exposing so many problems for her to tackle. But he also felt relief at the articulation of words he had never said before. Had things been different, he would have turned to Donna. He would've told her about his nightmares and recurrent thoughts of his mother. She would have answered that everything was going to be ok and he would have believed her. Something about the way she looked deep down into his eyes when she comforted him that made him feel nothing is wrong with the world.

"_And Harvey, no one is leaving you"_

He remembered vividly the way she had said that sentence, strutting out of his office, as he looked at her, the person he was most grateful to have. He had believed her then; after all why wouldn't he? She had never lied to him, they had gone through hell and back together, she had no reason to leave him. They were unbreakable, or at least so he thought. He reflected back on the last year, trying to pinpoint the moment it all started, trying to understand what he had missed or where he went wrong. He failed to reach a conclusion, wondering if he should ask Donna straightforwardly, before he realized he couldn't approach her, not when he's not sure what he might say or do, his throat dry at the thought only.

He realized then that today was the first day there was any sort of interaction between them. Sure they didn't talk, but the coffee and the papers on his desk were SOMETHING. He wasn't sure what to do with it, whether this was a peace offering, if she had expected him to talk to her. No, he knew her better. She was simply letting him know her decision wasn't orchestrated to hurt him intentionally. Somehow she was still there for him, when she had ironically left him because he couldn't be there for her; apparently not the way she wanted. _WHAT did she want?_ He wondered. Frustration took over, as he fell asleep shortly.

* * *

The next morning, he felt like the world was putting him to test, challenging him, when Donna slipped into the elevator with him, all the way to the 52nd floor. There was one person in the elevator beside them, and Donna seemed as surprised as he was.

"Hi" he managed to say, his voice husky and low, and his throat drier than the Sahara.

"Hi" she mirrored, her eyes anxiously observing his face, however not daring to catch his. He wondered why she was here late; he never had, in fifteen years, arrived earlier than her to work. She seemed to read his mind when she said: "Louis has more flexible hours" she clarified, "Not much need to be here as early as before" she continued.

He nodded, as the man sharing the ride with them stepped out, leaving them completely alone for ten more floors. She stepped further from him, her back slightly leaning on the wall, so that they now had a full view of each other.

"How are you?" he asked genuinely, his eyes searching for hers.

Her lips trembled slightly, something about his soft side that always made her heart melt.

"I'm…fine" she said. She didn't need to ask about his state of mind, she had learned to read him for so long.

"And work with Louis?" he asked. He didn't mean to sound bitter, but he did. There's anger in his voice, the words struggling to leave his mouth.

"Harvey…" she warned, her eyes wondering to the numbers, feeling the time stretch. "Don't do this" she begged.

"Do what? I didn't mean to - look Donna, I just want to see how you are doing, we haven't talked and I…" he trailed off, "I want to make sure you are ok" he continued sincerely.

She smiled weakly, the elevator ding saving her from her lack of words.

"Have a good day Harvey" she said, walking out.

"Donna" he called out, making her turn around. "Thank you for the file…and the coffee" he said, as she nodded silently. He released the breath he had been holding, before walking into his office, immediately sitting down on his couch.

The scene of the elevator replayed in his mind, realizing how beautiful she looked. Different, but beautiful still. He noticed the change in her style; more reserved, more shy. He secretly smiled at the thought that she used to dress up for his enjoyment, the smile fading fast, his face somber again. He looked up at the sound of Mike walking in.

"Hey" he greeted him softly, studying his face. "You okay?" he asked him.

"Yeah, I'm fine" he shrugged, clearly denying whatever state he was in. Mike knew better than to push it, preparing papers in his hand before Harvey spoke.

"I ran into Donna in the elevator this morning" he confessed, trying to sound casual.

Mike was taken aback by the statement; he wasn't expecting Harvey to share anything. "Oh" he said, pausing a bit. "How did it go?" he continued.

"Weird" he said, as Mike patiently waited for him to elaborate. "It was weird, like things are different" he explained.

Mike delicately answered: "They are Harvey", watching him fully take the meaning in. Mike wanted to ask what had happened exactly. This was his only chance, if he ever wished to hear Harvey's side. But before he was able to speak, Harvey seemed to have returned to his old self.

"What are the updates on the case?" he said with his usual 'best closer in the city' tone.

* * *

Later on that afternoon, Louis walked towards Donna.

"Donna, I need a favor" he said, prompting her to raise her eyes from the computer screen. "Yes Louis?" she asked casually.

"I'm running late for a…date and I need you to tell Harvey to cover for me. I had already warned him I might need his help" he explained in a rush, ready to leave. But the expression on her face made him slow down, revisiting his idea. "You know what, never mind I'll do it myself" he corrected, as he remembered the lingering awkwardness between her and Harvey. It was like a taboo, that subject. No one in the firm knew what had happened, and no one dared to ask.

Donna stood up quickly, replying as naturally as possible. "On my way" she said, noting the surprised expression on Louis' face, who quickly thanked her before rushing out the door. Donna couldn't stand how delicately everyone was treating her ever since she left Harvey. Sure they had obviously said their respective I love you-s, although the real meaning remained hazy, but she is Donna, and if there is one thing she does best, it's her job. So she ignored the sting in her veins and the knot in her stomach as she walked up to Harvey's office.

The sight of her empty cubicle crippled her, slowing down her motion. She watched him from a distance, through his glass wall, assessing the situation. He had pulled off his jacket, sitting on a couch with papers in his hand, a glass of Scotch on the table. She knew this position all too well; it meant his mind was on something else, trying to focus all his attention on the work in his hands. His tie was tilted to the left, a sign of distraction. She swallowed hard, gathering whatever is left of courage in her to walk into his office.

It's when she first entered through the door that she realized she should knock. She took a step back, but not before Harvey's eyes drifted to her instinctively. He had recognized her perfume, that smell he was so accustomed to for so long. It was hers, only hers, and it always sent a sense of comfort into him. He remembered his night once with a woman. She wore Donna's perfume, making her fiery red hair and signature smile pop into his mind every time he closed his eyes. He made love to this woman that night.

A moment of silence passed, both awkwardly looking at each other, Harvey still unsure he wasn't imagining it.

"You don't have to knock" he was finally able to say, offering a smile.

She was nervous, he could tell, as she managed to answer: "Old habits die hard", the smile on her lips not reaching her eyes. Harvey nodded in understanding, before standing up.

"Do you want a drink?" he offered. It was all so very strange. He usually never asked her; he just poured her a glass knowing she would join him, or she would simply help herself.

She seemed to hesitate before reason kicked in, and she tried to joke with her usual Donnaism. "Isn't it a bit early for drinks Harvey? It's barely 4" she patiently said.

"Early is relative" he replied, unsure of what he had said.

She tilted her head then, calmly answering: "This is a load of bullshit", making him smile softly. He quickly reminded himself that this was not permanent anymore, her statement only confirming his thoughts. "You haven't hired my replacement yet" she observed, glancing at the cubicle.

"You're irreplaceable" he shot back, taking a sip of his glass, hiding his gaze behind it.

Harvey could swear he saw Donna's cheeks flushed, happy to have triggered something in her. But his enthusiasm was shot down immediately when she turned all business on him.

"I came to tell you Louis needs you to cover for him with Mr. Levitt" she said formally, making his heart wince. Here he thought they were making progress before she stopped it.

"Sure. What time again?" he said, his eyes looking for hers. When they finally met, Donna remained silent for a few seconds before quickly answering: "In 10 minutes, conference room A". She turned around walking away again, before Harvey stood up.

"Donna" he called, a sudden wave of anger boiling up through him, his eyes shining with tears. She turned around again, trembling from his voice.

"Why?" he asked. She looked surprised by his question, trying to pin down what he was asking about exactly. "You promised you would never leave me" he blamed her, his voice shaking with emotion, causing tears to form in her eyes. The sight of her vulnerable and about to cry always had a calming effect on him, even when he was mad at her. He gently added, a desperate tone in his voice: "I just want to know why". "You promised" he whispered.

Donna's heart was shattering into a million pieces. She wanted to run to him and hold him, but she couldn't. This was about her, this was for her.

"If you still don't know Harvey then I think I made the right decision" she whispered, as he saw a small tear escaping from the corner of her eye.

Harvey sunk back into his couch, putting his face in the palm of his hands, now wet with tears. He pulled himself together, walking into the bathroom to fix his look before walking into conference room A, passing by Donna's desk without a glance.

* * *

_Nothing goes as planned  
Everything will break  
People say goodbye  
In their own special way  
All that you rely on  
And all that you can fake  
Will leave you in the morning  
But find you in the day_

Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste  
At night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away  
'Cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out

Everything will change  
Nothing stays the same  
Nobody here's perfect  
Oh, but everyone's to blame  
Oh, all that you rely on  
And all that you can save  
Will leave you in the morning  
And find you in the day

Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out  
Oh, you're all I taste  
At night inside of my mouth  
Oh, you run away  
'Cause I am not what you found  
Oh, you're in my veins  
And I cannot get you out

-In my veins, Andrew Belle

* * *

_Thank you for reading! I didn't get much feedback on the last chapter, but decided to give this chapter a try. Let me know what you think and whether you would want me to continue. _

_Review,_

_-G_


	8. Chapter 8

_Thank you for all those who reviewed the last chapter. I'm sorry if evolution is slow, going in depth with the characters' thoughts and feelings help me get a better vision when writing. I am trying to answer as many suggestions as possible (you could see a small interaction between Rachel and Harvey, and next chapter will have a big chunk of Mike/Harvey too). I'm open to more suggestions, and waiting for your feedback on this one. _

He dreamed of her that night, he can't remember what it was exactly. But it was enough to make him smile for a few minutes as he opened his eyes. He reflected about her words from the night before, about him not knowing why she had left him. He realized for the first time that he needed to see things from her perspective, in an attempt to understand what he had missed.

"_Everything is not about you Harvey!" _she had shouted once when they were having one of their arguments.

He can't even recall what it was about, but he now understood what she had meant. He remembered his appointment with Dr. Meg that afternoon, dreading the difficulty he would face as he tried to define the nature of his relationship with Donna.

The day didn't go well at all, their case hitting very difficult obstacles. The opposing lawyer had just visited Harvey to rub his lack of proof in his face, when Rachel walked into his office.

"Not now Rachel" Harvey said dismissively.

But Rachel wasn't backing down now. "Harvey, if you could let me in on what is going on, maybe I can help" she attempted.

"You can't" he answered with an ice cold voice. He knew he was being harsh, but he had warned her to let him cool off.

"You really are an asshole" she muttered, anger in her eyes.

"What did you just say to me?" he asked, his voice a pitch higher.

"You are so stubborn you cannot accept anyone's help, and for what? Ego? The walls around you are crumbling on you Harvey, you even lost Donna" she answered confidently but more softly. She knew she was making a mistake bringing Donna into it, but she needed to say something. She had watched her best friend suffering for weeks and felt the need to fight for her.

"What is happening between me and Donna is none of your business" Harvey shouted standing up, "So you coming and pretending you know everything is a load of shit. Get out" he said harshly, waiting for her reaction.

"At least I'm doing something" she said, walking out of his office.

Harvey was furious. What was that about anyway? He couldn't do ANYTHING because she needed her space, because she wanted it, but mostly because he didn't know what to do.

As soon as Mike walked into Harvey's office, Harvey barked: "I don't want to hear it Mike".

Mike looked perplexed, as he said: "O-kay...I was going to tell you I found a loophole, but we can do that later", sarcasm in his voice.

"I thought it was about Rachel" Harvey confessed.

"Wait, what about Rachel?" Mike asked concerned.

"Never mind. I have an appointment, I should go. Good job Mike" he said in a hurry, on his way to the clinic.

As soon as Harvey arrived, Meg noticed the distress on his face. She grabbed a glass of water, despite the shake in his head when she asked him if he wanted any.

"A glass of Scotch should help" he bargained.

Meg gave him a look that shut him up, before she sat down facing him.

"So Harvey, you look nervous. What's up?" Meg asked casually.

"Bad day" he answered, unwilling to develop.

"Did you talk to Donna today?" she asked again.

"No, that was yesterday" he said, wincing at the memory. He paused for a second before he said: "I'm just sick of everyone meddling in between me and her, as if they knew anything. They don't". There's pain and anger in his voice.

"Okay. So why don't you walk me through your relationship with her, so that I don't end up like one of those people" Meg said softly. "What's the nature of your relationship Harvey?" she continued.

"That's a tricky question" he replied, ever the lawyer.

"That's an evasive answer" she retorted, cornering him. "Ok let's try differently. Would you define your relationship as platonic? i.e. you never thought of her as more than your friend, and you've never acted as more" she broke down her question clearly.

Harvey took a moment to answer. "No, we're not platonic" he answered hesitantly.

"So you've had more than friendly feelings for her?" she asked.

"I don't know" he answered, lost.

"Harvey you just told me you were not platonic, you must know something" she said gently.

"We slept together" he confessed, before adding in a low voice "once"

Meg started writing down on her notepad. "When?" she asked curiously.

"About twelve years ago" he answered.

"That's a very long time ago" Meg noted in surprise, not expecting that answer. Harvey nodded in agreement, swallowing hard before taking a sip of water.

"Tell me about the circumstance of that time, who pursued who?" Meg asked.

"I did. I had been trying to get her to sleep with me for a long time, but she always refused" Harvey clarified.

"And why is that? What changed the other time around?" she questioned.

Harvey knuckles turned white from the clench in his fists as he thought of the reason why. "She has this stupid rule, about not getting involved with people she works with" he said angrily, Meg noticing how frustrated he was. "When she quit the D.A.'s office, and I followed, I went to her place" he continued, stopping suddenly, as images of that night flashed in his mind. Though he never would admit it to her, it was hands down the best sex he ever had.

Meg understood the rest, deciding not to push him to say more.

"Ok so let's get something clear. When you were pursuing her, you did it for fun correct? You only wanted sex" she said, trying not to sound judgmental.

"Yeah at first. I mean at the start she was this incredibly sexy woman who was really good at her job, so yeah I had only that in mind at the time" he justified.

"But then?" Meg encouraged.

"With each passing day I realized how big a role she played in my life, how much I needed her" he said vulnerably.

"But you still went to her apartment when you quit. Why is that?" Meg pushed.

"I don't know. There wasn't her rule obstacle anymore I guess, so I thought why not?" he answered, unsure of what he had said.

"What happened after that?" Meg asked, still writing down notes.

"I called her the next day, we went for coffee" he said

"_What was so urgent that you just had to see me?" she asked him anxiously. He could tell she was nervous, by the way her eyes moved around. _

"_I don't know how to say it, so I'm just gonna come out and say it" he started, noting the puzzlement in her eyes, "but I don't wanna lose you" he continued, as her eyes widened in surprise. _

"_Come work for me" he clarified, ignoring the small hint of disappointment he caught on her face._

"_We leave it out of our minds and we never speak of it again" she had conditioned him. _

_He swallowed the disappointment, agreeing on her conditions. _

"So if I understand correctly you chose the professional path with her?" Meg asked.

"It's not that simple" he commented.

"Why not? You knew about her rule, so by asking her to work for you, you were restricting your relationship to a professional one" Meg explained.

"I thought" he started, before stopping. Meg gave him an encouraging look, before he continued: "I thought she might change her mind about her rule, after that night" he confessed, his eyes now focused on his hands.

Meg looked surprised by his confession, before she spoke again.

"Would you have wanted a relationship with her?" she asked him curiously.

"I would have wanted to try" he said, realizing only then that he felt that way. "But I wasn't ready" he said rationally.

Meg didn't say anything, waiting for him to follow his thought process. "I knew I couldn't not have her in my life, so I settled for work" he explained, while Meg nodded.

He was getting tired, the exhaustion clear on his face. "Okay" Meg said, trying to be gentle. "Let's stop here today" she decided, Harvey sighing in relief. "Next time we'll tackle the evolution till now, and you know, what caused this divorce" she said, the term making Harvey smile sadly.

"We sound like an old married couple" Harvey stated, getting up.

"From what I've heard so far, you are pretty much one" she said smiling warmly. "Look Harvey, people are not going to stop trying to meddling in this, some because they love gossip, others because they care. You don't need to be affected by all they say, but don't push away the people who care about you" she explained. He nodded in understanding, walking towards the door.

"And Harvey" Meg called again, "great job today" she encouraged.

Harvey went out into the cold city, the session with Meg replaying in his mind. He decided he didn't want to be alone tonight, and thought of the options he had. Sure he could go find a woman, sleep with her and fantasize about Donna instead. He picked up his phone as he slid into the car.

"Mike, is Rachel home?" he asked quickly.

"Euhm, no she has her girl night with Donna. What's wrong?" he asked worriedly.

"I'm coming over if that's alright" he said, unused to this.

"Sure" Mike answered, surprised by Harvey's call.

"Ray to Mike's place please" he ordered his loyal driver, before adding: "But we need to make a stop at that coffee cart first"

Ray nodded, understanding too well his boss' plans for the night.

_Thank you for reading,_

_Let me know what you think and if I should continue, especially with this pace._

_Review!_

_-G_


	9. Chapter 9

Mike opened the door for Harvey, seeing him holding a pack of beer.

"Hey" Harvey said, closing the door behind him, as Mike took the pack from his hand and put it in the living room.

"Are we celebrating something?" Mike asked hesitantly.

"Your success in the case?" he asked, clearly improvising.

"You didn't even hear what I found" Mike argued.

"I trust you" he said, sinking on the couch, Mike still eyeing him suspiciously.

"Okay fine we're not, I don't want to be alone tonight" Harvey confessed, cracking under the kid's gaze.

"See? Was honesty so difficult?" Mike answered in a teasing tone.

"Shut up and bring a bottle opener" Harvey said, his eyes rolling.

Mike smiled, walking towards the kitchen to get the opener, as he heard Harvey say: "I have a surprise for you"

He walked back into the living room, his eyebrows raised in question, to find that Harvey had removed his jacket and was currently searching in one of its pockets. When he finally found what he was looking for, Harvey turned around and threw a plastic bag towards Mike, who caught it with difficulty, his eyes widening with surprise.

Four big joints were rolled inside the bag, the signature smell of the coffee cart guy dominant.

"I thought this was not going to happen again" Mike commented, as Harvey shrugged.

"Well I changed my mind" Harvey answered, opening two beers and handing one to Mike, who sat next to him on the couch.

They clicked their bottles, as Harvey spoke: "To…" he started, unsure what to drink for, before he said: "To change", Mike repeating after him.

They took a sip, Harvey gulping a big amount, before a comfortable silence fell. Mike wondered whether he should ask him about Donna, but decided not to. Harvey took a joint, lightning it up, and inhaling a big puff that made Mike stare with horror.

"Damn you are a pro, didn't even cough" Mike observed with half admiration, as Harvey's lips went into a small loop-sided smile. "You were pretty wild weren't you?" Mike asked, thinking back about the scribbling on his coffee from the mysterious Tom.

Harvey took another puff before handing it to Mike, his back relaxing back on the soft material.

"Oh my God I forgot to tell you!" Mike started with excitement, "you wanna hear the latest Litt story?" Mike asked, noticing Harvey's grimace. "Oh believe me you would want to hear this" Mike said, taking another puff and giving it back to Harvey.

"So Louis had this lunch date with Sharon Clark" Mike started, before Harvey cut him: "Sharon Clark? The lawyer?" he asked, as Mike nodded. "Oh God, they would make a horrible couple. Had I known it was her I wouldn't have agreed to cover for him with a client" Harvey reflected, making Mike laugh at his boss' expression.

"You covered for him?" Mike asked surprised.

"Yeah" Harvey answered, understanding the surprise in Mike's tone. "Anything to keep my busy" he confessed, before adding: "Go on"

"Ok so apparently things were going well. On their way out of the restaurant, they passed a pet shop, where Louis fell in love with a grey Persian. Only problem is, she is allergic to cats. Despite her numerous attempts to explain to him why she cannot step closer, his statements on how she shouldn't be afraid from the divine creatures that are cat kept flowing, until he literally shoved the cat in her arms" Mike explained

"And that made her kick him straight into the balls" Mike added, as Harvey started giggling.

"What an idiot" Harvey reflected, still laughing.

"Just the fact that it is the second time that a woman kicks him in the balls says a lot" Mike commented, making Harvey shift towards him.

"This is the SECOND time? How come I never heard of the first?" Harvey asked disappointed, pouting

"You were still kind of jackass then" Mike teased, making Harvey punch his arm.

"Ouch!" Mike yelled. "You still are" he provoked him.

"Don't make me do it again" Harvey warned, as Mike raised his hands in surrender.

Mike took a puff again, this one hitting him hard. "Shit, it's strong" he hissed.

"You're such a pussy" Harvey said, taking it from his hand.

"Oh I'm sorry I'm not a stone head" Mike shot back.

"Says the guy who had a marijuana full suitcase on the first day I met him" Harvey answered, knowing he'd won at the sight of Mike's defeated face.

"Well you wanna hear a joke?" Harvey asked, taking a puff of the joint, his head starting to turn. "I'm seeing a therapist" he continued, as Mike's head shot towards him.

"You what?" Mike asked with disbelief? "Jessica?" he asked again.

"Yup" Harvey said. "Helping me with my anger issues...you know since Donna" he commented with a low voice, as he pulled his hand away to keep Mike from taking it.

"And how is it going?" Mike asked then.

"Good, with the therapist I mean. With Donna…" Harvey trailed off, rubbing his face with his hands.

Mike didn't say anything, unsure how to ease his friend's pain.

"Mike, can I ask you something?" Harvey asked, as Mike nodded.

"How did you manage to…" he started off, trying to find the right words, "forgive Rachel? For the Logan thing" he continued hesitantly. He didn't mean to sound judgmental, he just wanted to understand.

"I couldn't at first. But I saw how much she regretted it, and how she's aware it is a mistake. We are human Harvey, everyone messes up somehow. And I love her" Mike said genuinely, as it was Harvey's turn to look at him with a kind of admiration.

"How do you know? How can you be so sure?" Harvey asked again.

"I don't know. I knew when I tried to cut myself from everything, tried to imagine a world where I had nothing of what I am today, and the only thing I wished I could take with me was her. I guess you just know" Mike explained, lighting up the second joint.

Harvey took Mike's words in, trying to understand him. It didn't help that Donna's face kept popping inside his mind.

"I miss her" Harvey breathed. "I miss Donna" he said again.

"Did you tell her?" Mike asked, handing him the joint.

Harvey took a puff, his head relaxing on the couch, as he stared at the ceiling.

"No. But she knows" he answered, progressively releasing the smoke out of his mouth.

"You should tell her, even if she knows. Sometimes knowing is not enough" Mike explained.

"Hey Mike, I never told you" Harvey started, "Congrats on your engagement, you two make a lovely couple" he continued. Despite how cheesy it sounded, Mike could hear the sincerity in Harvey's voice, as he thanked him.

"Can I ask you something?" Mike said this time.

"What happened?" he said, seeing Harvey taking more than two puffs this time.

"After we saved her" Harvey started, Mike surprised by his immediate response, "we had dinner at her place. We were having a drink on her couch, and I-"he continued, struggling with his words. "I said things"

Mike nodded, not wanting to push him. "And something was going to happen. I could feel her body leaning towards me, I couldn't stop looking at her lips and-" Harvey continued.

"You kissed her?" Mike asked anxiously, as if listening to the story of how his parents met.

"I told her I should go, and got up to leave. She asked me why" he continued, swallowing hard, before he said in a rush: "And I told her I loved her"

Mike's face went into complete shock, obviously not expecting it.

"Next day, she was mad at me because we didn't talk about it, and when I tried to say something, I said the worst thing someone could say. That night she came and told me she's leaving me for Louis" Harvey said. "She told me she loved me" he continued, wincing in pain at the memory, his heart as heavy as at that moment.

"Shit" was all Mike could say. "I'm sorry Harvey" he said, trying to comfort him. He could've lectured him, told him he should get his shit together, and usually he would have. But he could see that Harvey just needed company, comfort. He decided to give him just that.

Mike's phone rang, waking them up from their thoughts.

"Hey Rach" Mike said, "What? I can't hear you. I'm just having beer with Harvey" he continued. "How drunk are you two?" he asked again.

Harvey could hear loud voices and Rachel's babbling. "I'm coming to pick you up" Mike said, hanging up.

"I should go get them, they're pretty drunk" Mike explained, standing up, spinning around from the effect of the joint.

"I'm coming with you" Harvey said, following him.

"I'm not sure it's a good idea" Mike said gently. He knew seeing Donna would only inflict pain on both of them.

"Mike, it's ok. You are in no shape to function, and how do you plan on picking them up? On your bike? Ray will be here in a few minutes, I already texted him" Harvey tried to reason, knowing he was as messed up as Mike, if not more.

"Snob" Mike said, as Harvey threw him a warning glance.

A few minutes later, they entered the car as Mike gave the address to Ray.

It was a crowded club downtown, too crowded to Harvey's liking. He immediately felt worried, images of men hitting on Donna popping in his mind. They walked inside to find Rachel and Donna sitting on the bar, Rachel staring at her phone, while a guy evidently was hitting on Donna. From where he stood, Harvey wasn't sure if Donna was reciprocating his advances.

Mike inspected Harvey, before they walked towards them, Mike's hand immediately resting on Rachel's back, causing her to jump. Harvey just stood there next to the guy, until they both looked at him. "Need something pal?" the guy said.

"Harvey" Donna said, shocked from his presence. He could tell right away she was completely drunk, the signs he had learnt to read over the years very obvious.

"Hi" he said, and it took Donna a few seconds to notice he wasn't in a normal state either. His eyes were bloodshot, he didn't have his jacket on, and she could smell beer mixed with his perfume. He didn't know what to say, as the man standing between them looked back and forth at them.

"Everything ok?" he asked, his eyes pointing at the guy. He could've hit him, hell, he wanted to. But he didn't. She seemed surprised by his question, a hint of disappointment on her face. She nodded, biting her lower lip, as he walked away, giving them their space, standing a few meters away on the bar, his head in his hands.

The room was spinning, her perfume stuck on him despite the mixture of smells in the place. He glanced over at Mike who was having a moment with Rachel.

He then looked at Donna again, seeing that the guy had stepped even further from her. He decided not to torture himself, to look away, before he noticed she wasn't too happy with the guy's moves. She seemed to tell him to move away, but he stood still, his face still closing up on hers.

Harvey felt an instinct kick in, as he marched quickly towards them.

"Is there a problem?" he asked with an icy voice.

Donna immediately took charge of the situation, knowing it could lead to a big fuss if she didn't.

"I was just telling this guy to leave me alone, and he was about to, correct?" she said, a fake smile plastered on her face.

"What if I said no?" the guy asked, making Harvey clench his fists. He was bulky, twice Harvey's size with a muscular body. His hand reached her waist, making Harvey immediately clench it, turning the guy to face him.

Donna was terrified from the scene in front of her.

"Just walk away" Harvey tried to say calmly. The man stepped closer, provoking him: "Or what? Fine piece of ass your friend here, I would be devastated if I don't get a taste" he said.

That was it, Harvey pushed the man standing in front of him, as everyone around turned to see what was happening, including Mike who stood up in panic. They threw punches at each other, Harvey dodging them, before the man was finally able to hit him hard on his face, making his lip bleed and his jaw hurt. The bouncer came and tore them apart, kicking them out separately.

As soon as they stepped out of the club, Harvey started to laugh hysterically, all of them joining in as well. They sat for a few moments on the pavement, unable to breathe evenly from laughter, before Donna stood up, walking towards a 24 hours market. She couldn't even walk straight, causing Mike to stand up and walk with her to make sure she was ok. He decided he'd better interfere, rather than Harvey.

Harvey and Rachel sat in silence, before Harvey spoke softly, his jaw sending pain waves through his body.

"I'm sorry about earlier today Rachel, I shouldn't have lost it on you like that" he said sincerely.

Rachel smiled, before speaking: "It's ok. You told me to give you space and I pushed you" she explained.

They nodded at each other, Rachel whispering: "And this, this was something" she said, as she referred to how he fought for her, encouragement tone in her voice. Harvey had the ghost of a smile on his face before Donna and Mike came back, Donna holding a pack of ice. They slid into the car, Mike sitting next to Ray while Donna sat in the middle between Harvey and Rachel.

She turned to face him, her hand reaching to cup his face, as his immediate response was to dodge it. She insisted again, as he finally allowed her to hold his face, putting the ice pack on the bruised jaw. Her finger absent-mindedly caressed his cheek, the feel of her skin and the cold of the ice creating a soothing feeling.

"You're high as fuck" Donna stated, noting the surprised look on his face.

"Donna Roberta Paulsen, did you just say high as fuck? What are we, teenagers?" he mocked her.

"Hey, I'm not apologizing for who I am" she said in her usual Donaism.

"You need to disinfect your lip. Do you have any disinfectant at home?" she asked, knowing too well he didn't. He loved how she took care of him, even when she was even more damaged than him.

He shook his head in a no matter, making her say: "Then you're stopping at my place for a few minutes to fix that"

"It's ok" he shrugged, fearing what he would say or do at her place.

Her finger brushed the bruise on his lip as he winced in pain, and she observed: "This doesn't look ok. If you don't disinfect it you'll look like a male version of Angelina Jolie"

He laughed lightly before saying: "Are you hitting on me?"

"At that point you are hitting on YOU" she shot back.

Ray dropped Mike and Rachel home, Mike making sure it was safe to leave them alone. Harvey gave him a nod that meant he would manage before Ray drove off to Donna's place.

They went inside, Donna opening the door just like the last time he was there. She walked fast towards the kitchen, grabbing from a drawer some disinfectant and a piece of cotton. She swiftly took off her heels, gesturing for him to sit on the couch.

The similarity with the aftermath of Stephen Huntley's beating was striking. But this time, she didn't need to ask if he had fought for her, because she knew he had. This time, the silence wrapping the situation spoke more than a thousand words.

"You shouldn't have done that" she still said.

"I wanted to" he said, his voice raw with honesty.

"_This is not a dual Donna" he had said about Stephen._

There's a moment where he catches her gaze, and their eyes lock for a few seconds, before Donna pulled away, her hand leaving his face.

_I think you should go, _she wanted to say, but the words wouldn't come out_. _

She didn't need to, Harvey understanding it from her eyes. Before he stood up, he whispered:

"Just please-"he started, stopping again. "Don't drink this much next time" he said, noticing how weird his words sounded.

Donna raised her eyebrows. "Is this where you tell me to use protection?" she joked, the smile however not reaching her eyes.

"_We could order from that shitty Thai place you love" he had suggested._

"_I have a date Harvey" she confessed, ignoring the hint of disappointment on his face._

"_Have fun, and don't forget to use pro-"he had said, before she cut him off. _

"No" he answered. "Just take care next time" he said softly, walking towards the door.

"And Donna" he said, turning towards her, as he remembered Mike's words. She looked at him anxiously, trying to listen to the voices in her head warning her not to expect anything.

"I miss you" he said genuinely, "not just as my right hand. I miss us- I" he trailed off, as she shook her head weakly, as if begging him to stop.

"I miss you" he repeated, leaving her and walking out, just like he had the last time.

* * *

_What hurts the most_

_Was being so close_

_And having so much to say_

_And watching you walk away_

_And never knowing_

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was trying to do._

* * *

_Biggest chapter I ever wrote. As usual, let me know what you think, your reviews motivate me. Would love to hear your opinion, _

_review!_

_-G_


	10. Chapter 10

_Thank you for the reviews, I really enjoy reading your opinion. I'm updating faster than usual mainly cause I'm inspired, and of course thanks to your positive feedback. I hope you enjoy this update; it was going to be longer but I decided to cut it into two. As usual, leave your review and enjoy!_

* * *

The next morning, Harvey woke up thinking about his plans for the day. Weekends were always more difficult; no work to busy his mind and no sessions with Meg either. His mind wanders back to the night before, how her fingers caressed his face, and for a few seconds he can sense the chills down his spine. He got up and showered, the munchies effect hitting him hard. A few minutes after he had called Ray, Harvey entered the car, changing his destination at the last second.

"Ray, to the coffee shop next to work please" he indicated to his driver, who nodded silently.

"And remind me to give you a bonus for how much I'm making you work" he added, thinking about Donna. She always made these decisions for him, as he gave her total access to his financials.

When Harvey walked into the coffee shop, he realized how long it has been since the last time he had been there. It had been years since he came here with Donna. To his surprise, he found Tom at the cashier, looking exactly the same, with a few white hairs.

"Tom!" Harvey greeted him, the surprise obvious in his tone. "Still working here I see" he commented, happy that some things didn't change.

"Mr. Specter!" Tom said cheerfully. "Yeah, this place is my home" he said, his arms indicating the space around him. "It's been such a long time. How's Donna?" he asked.

"She's good. I need two of the special morning after coffee" he said, before glancing at the fridge. "And I'll have three bagels, two cream cheese and one chocolate" he continued.

"I actually introduced this coffee in the menu, changed its name" Tom explained, as Harvey tried to hide his disappointment. He hated that even that had changed, after all it was their secret magic coffee, and he didn't want to share it with the world. Tom handed him a menu, his finger pointing to a word under the section coffee.

Harvey read slowly: "Darvey", not quite understanding what he had read.

"Darvey, as in Donna and Harvey" Tom said perkily. "I named it after you two" he explained.

Harvey's face went from disappointed to surprised, as he managed to say: "What? Why?"

"Last time when Donna sent that blonde kid to get you coffee, a customer behind him heard him ask for it. He was curious enough to try it, and suggested I should introduce it in the menu, and what is a better way than to name it after the people who made me do it?" he explained with a big grin.

Harvey smiled back, still wrapping his head around the label "Darvey".

"Thank you Tom" Harvey said genuinely, handing him money and taking the bags.

"Say hi to Donna for me will you? You should drop by together one day. Power couple you are, I've never seen like that before. How long has it been again? 15 years correct?" Tom said, speaking fast and enthusiastically.

Harvey felt a punch in his chest, unable to tell the man he had misunderstood their relationship and that he and Donna were not together romantically, hell they weren't even together in any way.

"Something like that" he answered, a sad smile on his face, as he walked outside and told Ray to stop a few minutes at Donna's.

He entered the building, where Steve sat at the reception. He had been there the night before as well, as he looked at Harvey politely.

"Good morning Mr. Specter, going to see Ms. Paulsen?" he asked.

"Actually I was wondering if you could knock on her door and give her this? I'm running late" he lied. He preferred not to see her, and just wanted her to receive the bagel and coffee.

Steve seemed surprised, mumbling: "Euhm, I'm not sure she's up, you two stayed late last night" he explained.

"She's got Yoga in an hour, she's up" Harvey recited.

"Ok then, no problem" Steve answered, taking the bag from his hand.

Harvey tipped him, before saying: "And Steve, get some rest, you've been here all night"

"Thank you sir. My shift ends in an hour" Steve answered, as Harvey walked out the door.

He popped his head through the front seat window, handing a check to Ray.

"Thanks Ray, you can leave, I won't be bothering you this weekend" Harvey said, Ray thanking him warmly.

He held the other coffee and the two bagels in his hand and decided to walk to a nearby park he liked.

He found his usual bench, sitting down and observing the people in the park. Families, kids running around, and he can't but reflect for a second on his life, the choices he had made. _Could he have been that guy playing baseball with his kid?_ He shook off the idea from his head, reaching for the coffee, his hands hugging the cup, the immediate warmth making him feel good.

Then he smelled it, her perfume. He doesn't move his head, thinking it must be that of someone who had passed by. But the smell grew stronger, and he suddenly felt someone sitting next to him on the bench. It was her; he didn't even need to look. He didn't even need to ask how she knew he'd be here, she just did.

When he finally turned around to face her, their eyes locked for a few seconds before she spoke.

"Hey" she said, smiling weakly.

"Hey yourself" he said back, his smile reaching his eyes. "Sleep well?" he asked.

She nodded, taking a sip of her coffee and observing him. He looked so casual, wearing beige pants and a navy blue turtle neck, but she could tell he was nervous. She wore sports tights that hugged her every curve and a loose sweatshirt.

A comfortable silence fell as they simultaneously reached for their bagels and he noticed her glance on his.

"Got you cream cheese" he said, "still on your no chocolate diet no?" he asked, while he bit his cream cheese bagel.

"Yeah" she said, taking a bite out of hers. They looked at the people around them in the park, and Harvey noticed the moment when she finally relaxed, as their shoulders barely touched.

When he finished his first bagel, he opened the bag to take the second one before he spoke.

"I think I'm going to spend the weekend at Marcus" he said, noting the surprised expression on her face. He rarely visited, and Donna was genuinely glad he was going to see his brother. "I haven't seen him in a while and the kids, gosh he sent me pictures, it's like I've missed on years" he explained.

"I think it's a great idea" she said smiling, "They'd love it" she continued.

Harvey could see Donna looking at his chocolate bagel, secretly laughing at how she always ended up eating from his food. "Tom says hi by the way, he thinks we should visit him together one day" he told her. "He changed the name of our coffee" he added, as she pouted, looking at him.

"What, why?" she asked.

"He added it to the menu, it's now called Darvey" he continued, as she tried to understand.

"As in…" he started explaining, before she cut him. "Donna and Harvey" she said, feeling an unexplainable rush of emotions.

"Yeah" he said, smiling at her. "All I wanted was my name on the door, and now we even have ours on a menu" he added, making her shiver.

"_Ours"_, she thought. _How strange. _

"That was all me" she joked, her comical intention disappearing when he said: "It is"

A second of silence passed before he rolled his eyes.

"Goddamn it Donna. I'm gonna choke on my bagel if you keep staring, just admit you want a bite" he teased her.

"I don't" she huffed.

"Too bad, it's so crispy, and the chocolate…" he started tempting her.

Her hand reached for it, as he moved it away, causing her to bend over him.

"Asshole" she said making her puppy eyes, sitting straight again.

He couldn't stand seeing her like that, immediately handing her his bagel. She flashed her victory grin at him, before saying: "Just a bite".

He shook his head as he watched her take three bites, before she gave the last part to him, which he ate vigorously.

A small kid of about 4 years old walked towards Harvey, tugging at his pants. Harvey bent towards him while Donna watched the scene with curiosity.

"Hey" Harvey said softly to the kid, "What's your name?" he asked. Something about this kid reminded him of himself at that age; maybe it was the brown eyes, the calmness or the general happiness he echoed. Despite what people may think, Harvey was a very happy child at a young age.

"Ryder" the small boy said.

"I'm Harvey. How old are you Ryder?" he conversed. It was really odd for him; he never was a kids' person.

"Four" the kid replied. "Is this your wife?" he asked, pointing at Donna.

"No she's not" Harvey answered, seeing the affection on Donna's face at the interaction.

"She's pretty" he said, still playing with Harvey's pants.

"Oh she is" Harvey said, realizing even more how much Ryder reminded him of himself. "Do you wanna sit here big guy?" he asked, gesturing to the place between him and Donna. Ryder nodded, and Harvey held him by the waist, raising him up the bench, where he sat between Harvey and Donna.

Donna's hand went to the boy's hair, playing with it, as Ryder turned to Harvey and asked with the upmost innocence.

"What do you want to be when you grow up?" Ryder said, making Harvey smiled softly. This kid has got to be the most outspoken kid he had met.

"You see kid I'm already a grown up. I'm a lawyer" Harvey answered softly.

"Oh" he said, obviously startled by the answer, and clearly not understanding what a lawyer is.

Donna caressed his hair before she said: "Hey Ryder, where are your parents?"

Ryder pointed to a young couple walking hastily towards him, both in a state of panic.

"Oh my God Ryder, you scared us! Thank you so much for finding him" the woman spoke.

"We didn't really find him, he just came and talked to us" Harvey answered smiling.

"He's usually so calm and shy, it's odd" the mother continued. "Anyway thank you and I'm sorry for the disturbance".

"Not at all" Donna said, as Ryder turned towards them.

"Bye Harvey and his wife" he said, making Harvey smile widely.

"Bye kid" Harvey answered, before he relaxed back on the bench.

Donna couldn't help the butterfly feelings in her stomach. God, she hated that man for having such an impact on her. The mere sight of him with kids seemed to lessen all the anger and remorse she felt towards him.

"I should get to my Yoga class" she said, standing up.

Harvey was about to follow when he asked: "Walk you there?"

"No it's ok. You should go see Marcus" Donna answered, smiling warmly.

Before she left, her hand rested on his shoulder for a few seconds, the simple touch comforting him.

"Thanks for breakfast Harvey. Kiss Alexander and Sophia for me will you?" she said, walking away.

Harvey thought about how odd their encounter was. They hadn't agreed on meeting there, they shared that moment as if they've done it a thousand times, and most importantly they didn't even talk about the obvious matter.

But that was exactly how they functioned: Telepathy, natural comfort, mutual understanding.

Although they never really needed words, Harvey knew he should offer her some, if he ever wished to have things back. Not specifically having Donna back as his assistant, that surely would be an advantage, but just having her back was enough.

The unsatiated state he was left in every time he saw her was a constant, like a burning hunger drilling a hole in his stomach.

But for today, he was happy with what he had.

For today, a bench with coffee and bagel is enough.

* * *

_In a manner of speaking  
I just want to say,  
That I could never forget the way  
You told me everything  
By saying nothing._

In a manner of speaking  
I don't understand,  
How love in silence becomes reprimand  
But the way that I feel about you  
Is beyond words.

Oh give me the words  
Give me the words  
But tell me nothing  
Oh give me the words,  
Give me the words  
That tell me everything.

_-In a manner of speaking by Nouvelle Vague_

* * *

_Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know what you think, your reviews are a motivation._

_-G_


	11. Chapter 11

Harvey walked back to his place, but not before stopping at a gift shop to get gifts for his niece and nephew. Alexander was the eldest, about eight years old now, while Sophia was only six. He had a hard time deciding what to get, remembering how Donna had helped him the last time, finally settling on the latest baseball cards collection for Alex and a Barbie doll house for Sophia to go with the dolls they had brought her the last time.

He packed lightly as soon as he got home and decided to take the train to Marcus' house, about forty minutes outside New York. It was a long drive by car, and he had always secretly liked the train ride, the people, and the dynamics. He took a window seat, his brain flashing back to three years ago.

* * *

_[Three years ago, Pearson Hardman]_

"How's my favorite girl today?" a soothing voice said over the phone, making Donna grin.

"Be careful Marcus, Rose won't be happy to hear this" Donna joked, immediately recognizing Harvey's younger brother. He had a voice very much like his father's and an easy going approach to life as well.

"Oh she knows" Marcus joked back, making Donna laugh. "Is Harvey in?" he asked.

"Yes, let me transfer your call to him" she answered.

"Wait a second. I'm inviting him over for dinner this Saturday, we'd love for you to join us" Marcus said, extending her an invitation. Donna was a bit surprised by it, unsure how to answer.

"Euhm it's okay, I'm sure you haven't seen Harvey in a long time and you need to catch up" Donna mumbled.

"And you being there is an obstacle how? Come on Donna, you know the only way I'm getting anything out of him is you, and I'm sure you coming will stop him from being an ass. You haven't met the kids yet either" Marcus pushed.

Donna was not sure what he meant, only feeling her cheeks flush, as Harvey glanced over her, noticing her color.

"I'll think about it, how's that?" she asked.

"Much better" Marcus answered.

"Harvey, it's your brother" Donna said through the intercom, before transferring the call.

"That loser made you blush? He's only a smooth-talker you know" he teased, purposely saying those words for his brother to hear.

"Runs in the family" Donna teased back, before trying to focus back on work.

A few minutes later, Harvey walked out of his office, walking cockily towards Donna's cubicle.

"So, we're going for dinner at Marcus' on Saturday?" he asked casually

"We?" she asked as his eyebrows knotted.

"Yes, Marcus is inviting you too" Harvey said.

"I don't know Harvey, if we should do this" she was able to say.

"Why not?" he asked pouting, knowing exactly why not.

"Because we don't do this, we don't do non-business, we don't do families…" she explained slowly. Even she was tired of her own words, despite the fact that she hadn't used them for a while. For years they had managed to ignore whatever was between them, never mentioning it.

"Because you don't get involved with people you work with?" he asked, bitterness dripping from his words.

"Because it's for the best" she whispered back, while Jessica passed by. Her tone was soft, yet determined. She expected him to be mad at her, to sulk for days, but somehow he didn't.

"Donna" he said slowly. "I'm not telling you to sleep with me" he explained, before adding: "I'm not saying I don't want to, and I'm not saying that I do" he started mumbling, making her laugh.

"Wow, the best closer of New York City, out of words" she teased, making him roll his eyes.

"What's the date again? I wanna write it down" she continued.

"It's the 7th of kiss my ass" he said, before taking charge again. "All I'm saying is that I don't see the harm. Marcus loves you, you'll get to meet the kids and I…" he spoke softly before she cut him.

"Okay" she said, the surprise showing on his face.

"Okay?" he repeated unsure. He didn't know he'd convince her.

"Yes, now shoo, I have work" she said, flashing him her smile.

I what, she wondered. Part of her was mad for cutting him mid-sentence, the other too afraid to hear what he had to say.

They decided not to take the car, Harvey knowing he'd be drinking.

The train ride was silent, before Harvey finally said: "Thank you for coming Donna. You look great" he said.

"Wow a thank you and a compliment in one sentence, is the world ending today?" she mocked.

He rolled his eyes, the corner of his mouth tugging into a smile.

They arrived shortly, Marcus and Rose greeting them warmly, while a pair of kids ran towards Harvey. He bent down, as they ran into his arms and he lifted them both, each on one arm.

"Oh my God, you two are so big" he said, kissing their cheeks while they hugged him tight, before he let them down on the floor again. "Been good to your parents?" he asked, as they ran around, and the girl shouted: "Noo", making them laugh. The scene was so alien to Donna; she had never seen him with kids, and she didn't expect this at all.

"Come here, I want you to meet someone" Harvey said, calling them towards Donna."Donna this is Alex and Sophia" he said as she smiled down on them.

For some reason she was hoping they'd like her, as she waited anxiously for a reaction. Alex extended his arm, making her do the same, before he kissed his hand, making her giggle in surprise.

"This one is just like his uncle" Marcus said winking at Harvey.

Sophia took a step towards Donna, hugging her legs, as Donna felt her heart burst with emotions.

"We got you something" Harvey said cheerfully, holding the bags while the kids ran around him.

Dinner was full of stories, mainly Donna exposing Harvey as he threw at her his darkest glances. They teased each other all night, under Marcus' and Rose's looks, before Donna helped Rose clean up.

They stood in the kitchen, while Harvey sat on the floor of the living room, next to his niece and nephew. Donna stopped for a minute, leaning on the kitchen door, looking at Harvey staring startled at his niece who was playing with her brand new Ariel and Eric. She softly smiled at the sight, before she was cut off by Rose's words.

"Oh oh" she said. "I know this look"

"What look, there's no look" Donna said, turning hastily towards Rose.

"There is, it's the same one I had for this one" she said, pointing at Marcus who was sitting on the couch.

Donna's eyes filled with panic, trying to stay calm.

"Look I don't know what's the deal with you two" Rose continued, "but you have something. It's in your bickering, it's in your eyes, it's in his eyes" she said while cleaning a plate. "I refused to believe it too, at first. But when I finally came to terms with it, that was a year later by the way, I told him" she explained. "The next day I had this" she said, pointing to the ring on her finger. "Marcus told me Harvey can be difficult, but I think you should tell him" she finished.

"Tell me what?" Harvey walked in, having heard the end of that sentence, clearly cheery from the alcohol in his blood.

"That you look like an idiot when you're drunk" Donna flirted, saving herself while he stood too close to her.

"I resent that" he said, smiling at her. "You look beautiful" he said, standing nose to nose with her. Rose cleared her throat before walking into the living room. "Kids, to bed" she said, as they started whining and refusing to move.

Donna could feel herself blushing. "We'll take them to bed" she finally said, walking away from Harvey who followed her anyway. She sat facing Sophia, looking at her playing with Ariel.

"That's you" the girl said, pointing to Ariel. "And that's Uncle Harvey" she continued, pointing at Eric.

"And what's going to happen?" Donna asked curiously.

"He's going to save her because she can't swim and he loves her and then they will live happily ever after" the girl continued, Donna astonished at her fluent language.

"You do know she's a mermaid right? And a mermaid knows how to swim?" Donna asked delicately.

"Not in my story" Sophia answered, making Donna lean and kiss her forehead.

Harvey looked at Donna, seeing her bonding with his niece, a smile reaching his lips.

"Is she your girlfriend?" Alex asked curiously, Harvey clearly fazed by his question.

"No, and what do you know about girlfriends?" Harvey answered, looking at Alex.

"She should, she's pretty. And I have one, by the way" he huffed as if it was nothing.

"She is" he answered, glancing over her again, their eyes meeting this time, as she smiled at him, her hand playing with Sophia's hair.

"Come on, time for bed" Donna said, opening her arms for Sophia, lifting her and walking towards the bedroom, motioning for Harvey to follow.

They entered the bedroom, putting the kids to bed, before Donna leaned in to kiss Sophia, as Harvey did the same to Alex, and they switched.

For a few seconds, Harvey wondered what a life with Donna would be, with Donna and kids to be more accurate. Just when they were about to leave the room, they heard Alex's voice.

"You should ask her" he said, making Donna raise her eyebrows.

"Ask me what?" she said, as Harvey literally pushed her outside the room, closing the door.

"I don't know" he lied, while she eyed him suspiciously.

They sat with Marcus and Rose, talking and joking before Marcus got up and put one of his dad's records, and everyone stopped talking, enjoying the soothing music of the saxophone. Marcus got up, extending his hand to his wife, who accepted his invitation.

Harvey did the same, and tilted his head when he saw her hesitant face. She finally took his hand as he pulled her up, bringing her close to him. They had never done this; they had never danced together despite their many years. And now as he smelled her perfume and could feel her breath on his skin that he knows why. He wasn't sure he could resist her, pushing her away from her and spinning her around back to him, just like a boomerang. Their eyes for a few seconds, a current passing by as his gaze focused on her lips a bit too long, before the record stopped.

"Shit, it's late" Harvey said glancing at the clock that read 2 a.m.

"Stay over" Marcus reasoned.

"I have to work early in the morning, we can catch the last train back to New York" Harvey said, as Donna nodded.

Despite Marcus' and Rose's insistence, Harvey and Donna were on their way to the train station.

Harvey's hand held Donna's waist protectively at the sight of drunken men staring at her.

"I didn't think this through" he said, pissed at himself. "The train will be full of drunken people" he said.

"It's okay" she whispered, finding them an empty spot.

They sat down, Donna yawning immediately. Some guys walked in, looking at Donna in ways that made Harvey's blood boil.

His hand slid down to Donna's, their fingers intertwining, making Donna jump, looking at him with confusion.

"I'm sending a message nicely to these sons of bitches" he explained under his breath, his hand clenching hers even more. "Before I send my fist down their nose" he continued, Donna sensing his anger and nodding.

She soon relaxed back, enjoying how the spaces between her fingers seemed to be made just for his. It takes her a few seconds to fall asleep, her head resting on his shoulder.

* * *

_[Today]_

Harvey knocked on Marcus' door, his brother opening it with a shocked look on his face.

"Harvey, is everything ok?" he asked worried, as Harvey walked towards him.

"Yeah, I missed you" Harvey answered, hugging his brother.

"Me too, come in" Marcus said, a now taller Alex and Sophia walking towards their uncle to greet him.

"Are you sure you're ok?" Marcus asked again.

"I screwed up things with Donna" he admitted, as Marcus shut the door behind them.

* * *

_I feel a boom and a bang__  
__Beating in my broken heart,__  
__Love just like a boomerang__  
__Bouncing back to where it starts,__  
__We belong like yin and yang__  
__Even if you pull us apart_

* * *

_Thank you all for your continuous reviews and support. I hope you enjoyed this; next chapter should tackle the current issues with Donna and Harvey with Meg's help of course. _

_As usual, let me know what you think and your suggestions,_

_-G_


	12. Chapter 12

Harvey spent the weekend at his brother's, enjoying the chaos that came with a two-kid family, something to distract him from his thoughts. His brother had respected Harvey when he told him he didn't want to talk about it, not bringing it up, however unable to continuously observe him, hoping he'd open up.

Just as he was leaving at nighttime, he kissed his nephew and niece, the latter throwing herself in his arms before she said: "Say hi to Aunt Donna". Harvey smiled at the little girl and caressed her hair, leaving a kiss on her forehead, before turning to his brother.

"Thanks bro" he said genuinely, hugging him.

"Anytime man" he answered, "and look Harvey, you can fix this" he continued, an encouraging tone in his voice. Harvey nodded, Rose leaving a kiss on his cheek.

"Take care" she said with a smile.

He went back to New York, a part of him excited and wondering if he would run into her the next day, the other scared of the disappointment when he doesn't. He immediately fell asleep, the exhaustion of the journey knocking him down.

The next morning, Harvey walked into Pearson Specter Litt with the shadow of a smile on his face. He briefly remembered his appointment with Meg that afternoon, before his thoughts were disturbed by Donna's sight. Fifteen years of partnership enabled him to notice that despite how flawless she looked, her face conveyed distress, like she hadn't been sleeping well. He entered the elevator and he followed, before speaking softly.

"Hey, you ok?" he asked, the sincerity in his voice rattling her even more.

"Yeah I'm fine" she breathed, not meeting his eyes.

Harvey swallowed hard, unsure what to say next. The sight of a hurt Donna was hands down the most painful one for him, and she looked nothing short of hurt.

"Everyone says hi" he decided to say, thinking it would be better not to push her. "Marcus, Rose, the kids. Sophia wouldn't stop asking about you, and man Alex is the biggest player I've ever-" he started telling her, happy to share with her his weekend before she stopped him.

"Look Harvey, I can't do this" she breathed, her eyes watery.

"What?" he asked, not sure he is following. "I thought we were doing better, I like telling you about my days and" he stopped, not sure what was coming out next.

"I like it too, and I miss you but talking about our days, having coffee, it's not going to fix this" she said firmly, her voice however shaking. She could see the distress in his body language, the way his hands clasped every time she made him unsure of what to say.

"What do you want Donna?" he asked desperately.

"I want you to know how and what you feel, if you feel anything, because I need to know. I need to know how to live my life Harvey, and I can't be your emotional fluffer anymore." she explained

"Look Donna I'm trying, it's all I think about, I'm seeing a therapist, I'm- I don't know what more I can do" he said. His tone wasn't angry, it was broken, desperate, the break in his voice squeezing her heart painfully.

"I know, and I want to know how that goes but until then, I can't be caught up in this" she was able to answer, gesturing to the space between them.

The ding of the elevator indicated their arrival, as she walked out first. He called out her name, not really sure what he was going to say, before he finally breathed: "Just-wait for me"

It was a plea more than anything else, although he kept wondering what he had meant when he said those words. His watery eyes now reflected hers, as she bit her lip and said: "I can't wait forever Harvey", before turning around and walking towards her new cubicle.

Jessica had just passed by the elevator, stopping at Harvey's sight.

"Are you ok?" she asked, obviously seeing he wasn't.

He swallowed hard, nodding, before walking towards his office, where he spent his entire day, busying himself with work, until it was time to meet Meg.

Later on that night, he walked into Meg's Clinique, his shoulders heavy from the workload and his last encounter with Donna.

"What's wrong?" she asked immediately, wondering if she had seen a bruise on his jaw.

"I'm tired" he answered. Meg nodded silently, before picking up her pen.

"You talked to me about your relationship with Donna back in time, and now I need a more 'modern' description per say" she started, as he waited for her to ask a more direct question.

"What was it like, after you slept together? Did you ever talk about it again?" she asked.

"No" he answered, before clarifying: "We mentioned it twice actually, but it was nothing important"

"Okay. Tell me about her boyfriends, any incident with you?" Meg asked.

"I'm not really in the loop about her dating life" he admitted, "except for the Stephen thing" he whispered.

"The Stephen thing? Care to elaborate about that?" she pushed.

"She had been dating a guy who worked with us" he said clenching his fist at the memory of Stephen Huntley. "He was on the British part of a merger" he explained before stopping.

Meg waited patiently for him to continue.

"He turned out to be a murderer, he lied to Donna, to all of us, so I beat the shit out of him" he shrugged, remembering Donna's pained expression.

Meg clearly wasn't expecting this, the surprise clear on her face.

"Why did you do that?" she asked.

"I told you, he's a bad guy, he lied to us" he repeated.

"But you're a lawyer, a successful one I hear, surely you knew you could have him arrested" she reasoned.

"Yes" he agreed.

"So why hit him? You were going to get your professional 'revenge' let's put it that way" she explained.

"He hurt Donna" he answered impulsively, as Meg scribbled down her notebook.

"And is this something you usually do? Beat people who bother or hurt her?" she asked delicately again.

"Just that once" he said, "and this weekend" he adjusted his answer, remembering the man at the club.

"This weekend?" Meg asked surprised. "Ok we'll get to that, let's stick to the Stephen story now" she said. "You think it's normal to beat someone up because they bothered Donna?" she asked again.

His mind screamed yes. Instead he just answered nervously: "Look if you're asking me if I regret it then no, I'd do it a thousand times again". He could swear he recognized a hint of admiration on her face before she spoke again.

"I respect that" she admitted, "but it's not my objective to question your judgment. I'm trying to understand where this urge to defend her, this over protectiveness comes from. Would you have done the same for Jessica for example?" she explained.

"No" he answered, "probably not"

"Why not?" she asked again.

"She'd probably hit him herself" he half-joked, a smirk on his face, as Meg gave him a warning look to change his answer. "Look I don't know, Donna's different" he breathed.

"How?" she pushed, and he remembered how he had told Donna and Mike the same thing, however unable to justify it.

"I don't know" he answered sincerely.

Meg observed him for a few seconds, trying to decide whether he really didn't know or chose not to say it.

"But you're saying that had you not discovered Stephen was a liar, you were ok with his relationship with Donna?" she asked, tackling the problem from another angle.

"Not really, no, I had a bad feeling about him from the start" he answered. "There was something shady about him all along" he said confidently.

"But from the way you described her to me, Donna is usually a great judge of character, and you trust her judgment completely, correct?" she asked, looking for clarification.

"Yes, just get to what you mean already" he answered impatiently.

"Do you think that maybe this opposition to their relationship and the urge to beat him up come from somewhere else? Jealousy maybe?" she asked gently.

"Now you sound like her" he said.

"She told you that you were jealous?" she asked.

"She told me to admit that it bothered me, about her and Stephen" he explained, "which I did"

"You did?" Meg asked surprised, "and what did she say?"

"_I mean we both knew it, it's good that you were finally able to say it" she had said while taking a sip of her coffee._

"_You do realize just because it does, doesn't mean that I-"he had started saying, before she cut him._

"_I know", she whispered. He wondered what she knew, because he really didn't know what he was going to say. He even contemplated the idea of asking her what he was going to say; she always knew better anyway, before realizing how stupid that would sound._

"Then she told me that this is why she had that rule, about not getting involved with people she worked with. I asked her why she did, why she broke it now, and she told me that she had to live her life, whatever that means" he concluded the story.

"I meant to ask you about this. How did it feel to see her break her rule for him?" she asked curiously.

"I didn't understand why, I still don't" he admitted.

"But Harvey you are telling me what you thought, not how you felt" she reasoned.

"They're the same to me" he answered defensively, before breaking under her gaze. "I felt frustrated, angry, and hurt. I just didn't see what made him so special, why she would break her fifteen years old rule for him" he was finally able to admit. _And not me, _he thought without saying.

"Ok, good" Meg concluded.

"Good? That's all you have to say?" he asked annoyed. "No deep analysis, conclusion on my case, anything?" he mocked.

"We'll get to that later" she said. "Did you ever feel a similar attitude from her behalf, when it came to one of your relationships?" she asked.

"I once wondered whether her advices to me about Scottie were biased, and I asked her if she wanted me and Scottie to succeed or not" he explained.

"And what did she say?" Meg asked.

"That she wanted me to be happy. I told her it was an evasive answer. She said that it's not but that it isn't up to her to decide what that means" he answered.

"Ok" Meg said, still writing down notes. "Now tell me about this last fight, you know before the divorce" she continued.

Harvey took a deep breath, before he started talking. "She was in trouble, she was being prosecuted, and I spent the whole day trying to save her" he started.

"In how much trouble was she?" Meg asked curiously.

"A lot, prison time type of trouble" he murmured.

"And how did that make you feel?" she asked, as he rolled his eyes.

"Terrified" he admitted, his voice even lower now.

"_Donna, the thought of you going to prison makes me want to drop to my knees" he said. He had never so accurately described any feeling he had. _

Meg nodded, encouraging him to continue.

"After a very long day, I managed to save her, and we had dinner at her place" he said, pausing for a few seconds. "We talked about everything except what had happened, and then we were sitting on the couch and having a drink, and I started saying things" he continued, before he swallowed hard.

"Things like what?" Meg asked curiously.

"I told her that I had promised never to let anything bad happen to her, and I won't, ever. So she didn't need to feel terrified like that again" he said, remembering how surprised she looked as he said those words.

Meg didn't say anything, writing notes down and waiting for him to continue.

"She apologized for doubting in me, and I did the same for snapping at her. I told her then that if anybody else loses faith in me, it doesn't matter, but with her it's different" he continued.

"That's a very powerful thing to say" Meg noted. "Did you mean it?" she asked.

"Yes" he confirmed confidently.

"What happened then?" she pressed.

"There was this moment where I felt, something could happen. I was looking at her and…" he trailed off, remembering her exposed neck and how her upper lip trembled at his words.

"You were attracted to her" Meg said, rather than asking. "Is this the first time that happens?" she asked.

"Donna is a very attractive woman, so yeah, it happened before. But that was the first time I could do something about it" he admitted.

"Did you?" Meg followed up.

Harvey shook his head. "No. I told her that I should go and got up to take my jacket" he said. "She asked me 'Why?' and I told her she knew why" he continued. "When she shook her head to tell me she didn't, I said…" he stopped.

"What did you say Harvey?" Meg pushed.

"I said 'you know I love you Donna'" he answered out of breath. "I said it and I left" he concluded.

Meg was writing down everything, as he sat back, his hand clasping each other.

"What do you think she was asking about? Why what?" Meg said.

"Why should I leave I guess" Harvey shrugged.

"Did it occur to you that she might've been asking why she was special?" she asked again, leaving the silence to confirm he hadn't.

"What happened then?" Meg continued.

"The next day, I was busy with a case and we didn't talk, until she walked into my office and confronted me about it" he explained.

"What did she say?" Meg questioned.

"She wanted me to admit that something had happened, and I said something…I told her that I said it to make her feel better" he admitted, ashamed of his own words.

"Ouch, that must have hurt her" Meg added.

"Yes" he winced, remembering her hurt expression. "But I tried to fix it, I told her I didn't say it because I pity her, that I did because I love her and I wanted her to know" he explained.

"You said it again?" Meg asked with surprise. "What did she say?"

"She asked me 'Love me how?'" he said.

"And what did you say?" Meg pushed.

"Nothing" he exhaled. "I said nothing and she told me that I either won't admit it or can't, and that it's bullshit because we both know I'm capable of looking her THAT way but that I'm afraid I'd lose anything if I let two worlds collide" he described.

"She's right you know that?" Meg asked with a smile. He just shrugged.

"I told her we have everything, she said that I have everything and so I asked her if she wanted everything. She said she didn't know, but she knows she doesn't want my pity" he explained.

"What do you think she means by this everything?" Meg asked.

"We had talked about it once, we were talking about dreams and goals and I asked her what happened to her theater dreams. You see she initially wanted to be an actress...before me" he answered. "I asked her if this is everything she wanted, and she said that for now, it was" he continued.

"But that's not enough anymore" Meg nodded, continuing Donna's thought. "And how did she tell you she's leaving you?" she asked.

"Later on that night she came to my office, and I wanted to say something. I told her that I didn't pity her at all and that she's one of the most incredible women I had ever met, and just because I don't- and she cut me. She said 'I'm leaving you Harvey'. I told her she can't quit, and she said she was going to work for Louis" he said in a low voice.

"You let her go?" she asked, trying not to sound accusatory.

"She had made up her mind. I didn't know what to say, I begged her, and you know what she said?" he answered. Meg waited for him to continue.

"I love you Harvey" he repeated, remembering her teary eyes, feeling the same pain in his heart he felt that night.

* * *

_First of all, thank you all for your reviews, it's a real motivation. This chapter is long, mostly narrative I know, but I needed to show how he would tell Meg. Next chapter will have the analysis of Meg and the ramifications of it on his attitude with Donna. _

_Hope you enjoyed it and it didn't bore you._

_As usual, let me know and leave a review!_

_-G_


	13. Chapter 13

"She told you she loved you?" Meg repeated.

Harvey nodded, finding a great difficulty in speaking, his throat dry. Meg could see the pain in the lines on his forehead and the way one of his hands massaged the other, his eyes not meeting hers.

"Tell me about this weekend" she continued.

"I was at Mike's on Friday night, and Rachel and Donna were out having drinks, their usual girls' night" he started. "Mike and I were talking and Rachel called. She and Donna were drunk and needed someone to pick them up. I went with Mike" he explained.

"Why?" Meg asked immediately, as his eyebrows rose in question.

"Why did you go? What was your plan?" Meg insisted.

He seemed to be thinking about her question for a few seconds before shrugging.

"No plans" he whispered. "I wasn't very…sober" he managed to say. "I just felt like I needed to go too" he confessed.

"And what happened?" she continued.

"Can I ask you something?" he then asked her, seeing the surprise on her face as she nodded.

"What do you think she meant when she said it?" he asked softly. "When she said she loved me" he explained, his voice broken. Meg noticed how vulnerable he looked, wisely choosing her words before she spoke.

"It could mean a lot of different things" she said honestly. "Maybe she said it because she felt the need to let you know that her decision is not to hurt you, that she loves you and cares about you but needs to go" she explained. "It could be romantic" she continued, noticing how his eyes betrayed him at the sound of these words.

"Or maybe she just said it to make me feel better" he mocked, the irony of his words ringing in his ears.

Meg smiled softly at his words.

"Look Harvey, we both know you and her both didn't mean it that way" she tried to reassure him. "Can you tell me what happened next?" she resumed the initial conversation.

"When we got to the club Mike found Rachel immediately. I saw Donna, she was flirting with some guy" he said, his tone angry.

"So you hit him?" Meg asked

"No" he breathed. "I gave them space" he said, as Meg scribbled down her notebook. "I just stood a few feet away, I just wanted to make sure she was ok" he continued. "And then I noticed how she was obviously shutting him down and he wouldn't take no for an answer. That's when I interfered" he explained. "I tried to talk to him calmly, and then he said something and I just couldn't help it, I hit him" he concluded, his fists clenching at the memory.

"What did he say?" Meg asked curiously.

"He…" Harvey trailed off. "He materialized Donna, as if she was some piece of candy, and I couldn't stand it" he answered without saying the specific words.

"What was Donna's reaction?" Meg asked then.

"She told me I shouldn't have done that, but I could see she wasn't too angry. We dropped Mike and Rachel and stopped at her place. She insisted I put ice on my bruise and disinfectant on my lip cut" he explained.

"I just told her I missed her and then left" he continued. "The next day I got her our special coffee and a bagel, left it with the reception guy in her building. I went to this park near her house and she joined; she somehow knew I'd be there" he said with a small smile on his lips.

"We talked, about nothing and everything" he said. "It felt good. But then the next day I was telling her about my weekend at Marcus' and she stopped me. She told me she couldn't do this anymore, that she wanted to live her life and needed me to figure out what I wanted from her" he added.

"Did you? Figure out what you want from her?" Meg pushed.

Harvey didn't answer, waiting for her analysis.

"Look Harvey I'm going to speak now and I need you to focus with me alright? And try to be open about what I say" she warned as he nodded, swallowing hard.

"Your relationship with Donna is nothing ordinary. To put it in a simple way, you two have done things differently. At first it was a simple attraction; she's an attractive woman, smart, strong and that was the first thing you saw in her. But somewhere along the way, this mere attraction, developed into something else. I can't really pinpoint when that happened, if it was immediately after you two slept together, or years later, and I'm not really sure you can either. Now let's talk about her rule. Much like the type of your relationship, I believe the reason behind her rule changed as well" she started, noting how agitated he was at the mention of that rule. "I think her rule became a shield, a protection, from you. If I am to understand correctly, Donna is much more in touch with her feelings than you are correct?" she asked, as he nodded.

"She knows you, knows how difficult it is for you to be committed and she believed that the only way you would want to be with her is physical. So she put that rule because she knew that for her, it was never going to be enough" she continued.

Harvey seemed fascinated by Meg's words. He never had thought Donna's rule so thoroughly, never truly acknowledging its depth.

"She knew her feelings were complicated, that doing it, sleeping with you would never be just that, not for her. Then came Stephen" she continued. "Stephen was a proof to you, should have been a proof to you, that her rule was custom made for you. But it also meant that it was breakable, that you could do something about it, if you wished to. I'm not sure what you told her about the reason you hit Stephen, if she knew it was for her…" she said before he cut her.

"She asked me if I did it for her. I told her it wasn't a dual" he whispered.

"So do you see what she must've felt?" Meg asked, not expecting an answer. "She thought you had done it for her, but then you told her you didn't and in that exact moment she felt what she had been trying to avoid all this time, disappointment. So she reminded you of her rule, when she told you that this is why she had it. She was really reminding herself at that point"

"Are you saying she wants a relationship? Why would she push me to be with Scottie?" he jumped.

"No. I don't know what she wants Harvey; you're going to have to ask her if you want to know. What I'm saying is that her feelings for you run deeper than a simple friendship or a professional one. She told you she'd take a bullet for you, and I believe she kept her words, even when she messed up badly. You might argue that this is loyalty but her dedication to you, and yours to her let me add, is more than loyalty. I know couples in the strongest marriages that don't have this kind of dedication towards each other. And her pushing you to be with Scottie had several results: she could deny her own feelings by trying to fix you up with her, and see you happy at the same time. Win-win. The fact that she is ready to give up her own happiness for yours speaks volume" she explained.

Harvey looked like he was drowning in Meg's words, trying to understand what he already knew but somehow refused to realize.

"There's a reason neither of you is in a relationship Harvey, there's a reason why you feel the need to beat people up for her and not regret it for a second. I need to ask Harvey, what were you going to say had she not interrupted you, the night she left you for Louis. 'Just because' what? What were you going to say?" Meg asked then.

"I don't know" Harvey whispered.

"Yes you do, or else you wouldn't have started saying it. Even if you had changed your words at the last minute, you initially intended to say something" she insisted.

He shook his head, as she raised her voice a little louder. "Come on Harvey, just say it" she pushed.

"I don't know!" he shouted.

"Just because what?" she raised her voice even higher.

"Goddamn it! Just because I don't know how to be with her, doesn't mean I don't want to!" he surrendered.

Meg softened immediately at his words.

"Why don't you know how to be with her?" she asked.

He shrugged. "It's not that I don't know it's just that I-" he started, stopping mid-sentence.

Meg waited patiently for him to explain, her look apparently working faster than her insistent approaches.

"Look I don't deserve her alright?" he answered broken.

Meg seemed happy with his answer, as if she had just hit the pot of gold.

"Why not?" she asked and he didn't answer.

"Look Harvey, I know that you are damaged because of what your mother did. I know that you don't trust people anymore, women in particular, that you never let yourself be vulnerable to protect yourself and I know you think you can never get over that. But everyone's flawed Harvey, I'm sure Donna has her own insecurities, flaws and fears. If you just look at your relationship with her you will realize that you've already crossed that bridge with her. You trust her like no other person, she knows your deepest secrets, your flaws and yet she's still here, even when she decided to leave. That says a lot" she explained.

Harvey still didn't say anything, thinking about Meg's words.

"When you told her you loved her, I don't know why it came out. Maybe it was the alcohol, maybe it was the fear you felt that day, but nothing makes it less real. You were completely transparent about your feelings for her for the first time, but then you immediately shut her down when she tried to approach you. I get it really; it's difficult to leave your comfort zone, the one you've had for so long. But Donna was wrong, when she said you had everything. You think you do, because you refuse to see the possibility of something else. If you're always looking in the rear view mirror you're going to miss the turn your need to make in the road ahead of you, and believe me, there's always plenty of road ahead of you. Focus on that" she concluded.

Harvey didn't speak for a couple of minutes before he said.

"So what do I do now?" he asked slowly.

"Now you go home and think about what I said, about how you true feelings, in a clear way. It's a difficult exercise for you Harvey I know, but you should do it. And then when you know what it is you want from her you tell her. Everything. No matter your decision, she deserves to know. I know a woman in love Harvey, and she is" Meg said, her smile encouraging.

Harvey nodded, acknowledging what a long night he had. He stood up, putting his jacket on.

"Is this the last session?" he asked then.

"Your choice Harvey, but yes I'm telling Jessica you are free to go" she answered with a smile.

Harvey smiled back, before he spoke. "Thank you for your time Meg" he sincerely said, shaking her hand firmly.

"Harvey" she called as he was leaving, making him turn around.

"Don't be a coward" she said gently, as he walked away again.

"And Harvey" she called again, as he rolled his eyes, turning around again.

"Want to humiliate me some more?" he asked, a hint of joke in his voice.

"Let me know what happens, even if you decide not to come again" she said.

"You got that doc" he said, walking out of Meg's office and into the cold night breeze.

He had some thinking to do.

* * *

_Thank you all for your reviews! Next chapter is supposed to include Harvey confronting Donna. Do you think he's going to do the right thing? _

_Let me know what you think and if you want me to continue,_

_Review!_

_-G_


	14. Chapter 14

Harvey entered his empty dark apartment, turning on the lights and walking slowly as he took off his jacket. Thoughts were invading his mind, thoughts about Donna, his feelings for her and hers for him. Harvey had always disliked uncertainty and right now he was surrounded by it. He wasn't sure anymore of what he thought he felt for Donna, the conviction he had lived in for so many years shaken by Meg's words. He didn't know what he was going to tell her, what was going to come out of his mouth, and what her reaction would be, something that terrified him deeply.

His eyes were drawn to the standing cactus, as he walked to the sink to water it. He had taken care of that plant more than anything in his life, even Max the dog he was so fond of when he was eight. The irony hits him then, how he'd been working so hard to preserve the cactus, hoping that would somehow salvage his relationship with Donna. But he knew better now, as he decided to approach Donna the next day.

The next morning, Harvey walked into Pearson Specter Litt, his stomach tied into a million knots. He hoped he wouldn't bump into Donna, wanting to approach her only when he was ready and knowing too well that the mere sight of her in one of her dresses would distract him.

He couldn't get any work done, his eyes blankly staring at the papers in front of him. Even Mike seemed to notice when he asked: "Are you ok Harvey? You look nervous". Harvey shrugged it off, before deciding he needed to talk to her soon, in the hope of getting any work done. He realized then that if Mike was able to notice how nervous he was, she would too in a split second, something he didn't want to show. Truth is he hadn't been that nervous since his childhood, the butterflies in his stomach sending him back to the first time he ever approached a girl.

He walked into the men's bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. He fixed his tilted tie (he **tried** to fix his tilted tie), arranged his hair, took a deep breath and muttered between his teeth: "You can do this Harvey"

"Talking to yourself I see" he heard Louis' voice. "That lonely huh?" he said.

"Not now Louis" Harvey warned. He didn't need this, not right before the scariest thing he had done in a long time.

"Oh so I can only mock you when you feel like it?" Louis said back.

Harvey turned around towards him, as Louis instinctively took a step back. Harvey clasped his hands together before speaking softly.

"Louis, I am asking you, as my friend, not to do this now. Please" he said, surprised by his own words.

Louis was shocked even more by his attitude, biting on his lip as he nodded.

"Everything ok?" he asked him, trying to sound careless.

"We'll see" Harvey said as he exhaled, walking out of the bathroom and walking to Donna's new cubicle.

He stopped his tracks when he saw her, focused on her work, biting her lower lip in a way that always secretly aroused him. He decided to sound as casual as possible, knowing too well that she would notice how nervous he was nonetheless. He walked towards her, stopping as he placed his hands on the wall of the cubicle, smiling nervously.

"Hey" he said, causing her to raise her eyes towards him. She had felt his presence for a while now, noting how hesitant he was before walking to her.

"Hi" she said, smiling back. "What's up?" she asked then when he didn't say anything.

"I was-" he started, stopping as he felt his throat dry.

Donna gave him her usual look and Harvey knew at that moment his "casual" mask had officially fallen.

"Do you-?" he said again before stopping. This was extremely humiliating, as he started assessing whether he should just turn around and walk away.

"I can't believe it, you have no idea what to say. What day is it? I want to write it down" she teased, imitating him when he had said that to her.

He's glad she did it, releasing a bit of tension as he laughed softly. He gathered his courage then, taking a deep breath before he spoke with his usual tone.

"Do you want to have dinner tonight?" he asked.

She didn't move for a second, as if expecting him to say more.

"We need to talk and uh, it's a date so yeah" he continued awkwardly.

She looked at him, realizing how nervous he was, before she agreed, noting how his shoulders relaxed at the sound of her approval. She only did it because she wanted to know what he had to say, or so she told herself. He nodded with a smile, before saying: "I'll pick you up from your place at 9" and walking back to his office.

The illusion of being able to work after asking Donna out was destroyed the moment he sat back on his chair. Sure he had done the first step, but the scariest one was yet to come. He started preparing what he wanted to say before deciding to take a route he had never tried before. He was simply going to say what pops into his mind. He had been so used to thinking about everything before saying it and he knew that it would only activate his defense mechanism. Thinking about the words he wanted to say would only change them, mold them into the Harvey Specter, best closer in NY city package. He didn't want that, not that night.

A couple of hours later, Harvey heard a knock on his glass door, raising his face to find Donna standing at the door. She had decided to cancel, he thought. She smiled easily before speaking:

"Just wanted to ask where we're going" she said, "to know what to wear"

Harvey was relieved to hear her words.

"Just wear something casual" he said, leaving out the first part of her question intentionally.

She nodded, leaving him to his work.

Harvey left work around seven, taking a shower and opening his closet to pick clothes. He realized then it had never taken him that long to choose clothes, primarily because he always opted for a suit. He took four different trousers and three different sweaters, as he assessed the best pairing possible. He was interrupted by the sound of his door buzz, walking with surprise to see who was standing there. He left the trousers and sweaters on the kitchen counter before opening up the door.

"Hey" Mike said as he walked inside Harvey's condo.

"Why did you leave work so soon? I knew something was up" he said inspecting the place as if expecting something different.

"What are you doing here Mike?" Harvey asked patiently.

"I wanted to drop these" he said, gesturing to a file in his hands "and make sure you were ok" he continued honestly.

"I'm fine" Harvey answered, "I'll have a look at this later" he said, trying to kick Mike out as discretely as possible.

"What's this?" Mike said pointing to the clothes on the kitchen counter. "Why do you have so many clothes here?" he asked.

Harvey rolled his eyes at Mike, gosh he could be sticky sometimes.

"I was trying to see what I was going to wear before you interrupted me" he shot at him.

"Since when do you not wear a suit?" Mike asked incredulously. "Unless it's a date. But you even wear suits to that…" Mike said, trying to analyze the situation alone, knowing too well Harvey wouldn't tell that easily.

Harvey stood there, a poker face on, waiting for the kid to finish.

"Wait it's a date" he said rather than asked. "With whom?" he asked again, a hint of excitement in his voice. Again, Harvey stood motionless, his patience however growing thinner. He was going to be late if Mike went on for long. "Shit it's Donna" Mike said then, "isn't it?"

"I'll see you on Monday Mike" he said, about to literally kick him out.

"Oh my God it is!" Mike said happily. "Wear this with this" he ordered him, pointing to a navy blue turtle neck sweater and some beige trousers, before he walked out the door. "Don't ruin it!" he added, mocking his boss.

"Get out" Harvey said, rolling his eyes again at Mike.

He got dressed quickly, grabbing a jacket just in case and taking the keys to his latest Porsche 918 Spyder, taking it on its first outing.

He waited a few minutes for Donna to come down, leaning anxiously on the car, his eyes fixed at the door. The weather was perfect, not too cold and not too hot. He saw her then, wearing a strapless black overall that fit her perfectly, her hair up in a ponytail, light make up on her face.

"You look beautiful" he said genuinely, noting how she nervously blushed.

"Thanks" she breathed. "You don't look bad yourself" she complimented back.

His eyes immediately fell on the necklace she was wearing, a smile lighting up his face. "This necklace" he commented, not needing to say more.

"Yeah, you remember?" she asked half surprised.

"Of course" he said, opening the door for her as she had the chance to admire his car.

"Hot damn Harvey" she exclaimed at its sight.

"I get that a lot" he teased as she rolled her eyes, stepping into the car.

_[Five year ago, Donna's birthday]_

"And this is the file you are going to ask me for in about thirty minutes" Donna happily said, giving him a folder as he smiled at her.

"Thanks Donna" he said, as she walked out of his office.

He knew it was her birthday, it was really one of the two dates he remembered without her needing to remind him. He had brought her a gift this year, an odd decision on his behalf, seeing that she usually just took his card and bought herself what she wanted. But they were once walking towards Pearson Specter when she stopped at the sight of a very simple diamond necklace, admiring its beauty. He decided to buy it a week later, as a birthday gift.

Later on that night, Harvey called Donna to his office as he stood up facing the Manhattan skyline, the necklace box in his pocket.

"Need anything Harvey?" she said, as he turned around.

"No, actually I wanted to give you something" he said, as she raised an eyebrow in response.

"Believe it or not I am able to remember the day all hell broke loose and a red haired devil popped into this world" he teased, as she grinned back.

"Please, you wouldn't survive a day without me" she joked, only to be taken back by his admission

"I wouldn't" he confirmed. His hand went to his pocket, taking the box out and handing it to Donna.

"Happy birthday Red" he said with a husky voice, as Donna's eyes widened at the sight of the gift.

"Harvey, you didn't have to" she said honestly.

"I know I usually just give you my card, you can still have it, but I thought you'd like this" he said awkwardly, his hand rising to his hair nervously.

Donna opened the box up, her jaw dropping at the sight of the diamond necklace she had fell in love with a few weeks earlier.

"Harvey" she breathed, half her tone berating him for spending so much money on this, on her, the other filled with joy at his gesture.

"Do you like it?" he asked

"It's perfect" she shot back, a part of her wanting to hug him, but knowing too well they didn't do that. Her hand rested on his chest then, just where his heart was as she looked at him with so much affection.

"Thank you Harvey" she said genuinely.

"Happy birthday Donna" he repeated smiling at her, before she broke the contact.

_[Today]_

"Where are we going?" Donna asked, glancing at her side as she spoke.

"You'll see" he answered with a tight smile, as Donna noticed he looked different that night. Something about him seemed lighter…more free. Maybe it was the casual clothes or the fact that she couldn't really look at his face and read it like she usually did. She wondered where he was taking her, as he drove out of the city.

Harvey turned on the music then, one of the CDs he had put in starting to play, as he moved his fingers on the wheel to the rhythm of the music.

"When did you get this car?" she asked in surprise. She usually knew because he wouldn't stop showing off.

"A while ago, before you got into trouble" he answered, as an awkward silence fell. "But it's my first time driving it" he continued and she nodded.

She looked out the window to see an old familiar building. "Wait I know this place…is this-" she paused, shifting her position towards him in surprise.

His face lit up with a grin: "Yep, the same one you told me about" he answered proudly.

They were talking about an old theater Donna had visited once and extremely liked, before the place shutdown due to money issues.

Harvey parked the car and stepped down, opening the door for Donna and extending his hand to help her stand up. She took it, ignoring the burning feel of his skin against hers.

"Are you sure we can be here?" she asked anxiously looking at the ruined place.

"Yes come on" he said, his hand on her lower back as he guided her towards the old building door. They entered it, climbing an old staircase, Harvey walking immediately behind Donna. When they reached the first floor, Donna's smile grew wide and she said: "it's just like I remember it"

Old paintings filled the walls, and a big wooden stage stood at the bottom of the theater. Donna wandered around, walking between seats, as Harvey leaned on the door, watching her enjoy herself, a smile lightening up his face.

"Come, I wanna show you something" he called her up, before he guided her to the balcony where fancy people used to have drinks in intermissions. "This is the view right?" he asked looking at her face to read her reaction.

_[Eight years ago]_

"And Harvey the view from the balcony" she had said, "breathtaking" she explained. He had seen a sparkle in her eyes he rarely ever saw, different from her usual one.

"We should go someday" he had told her

"Please, you at the theater?" she shrugged off. "Plus they're closing it, it's not available anymore" she continued.

"Never stopped me before" he flirted

"Alright big shot, why don't you prepare for that meeting of yours in ten minutes?" she dismissed him then with her usual smile

_[Today]_

"This is the view" she repeated, taking in what was happening.

"You could see all New York from here. You were right, it's breathtaking" he said as she looked at him, surprised that he had remembered this particular story. She didn't know he could do that, prepare for a date and do it so perfectly.

He seemed to read her mind when he said: "Believe it or not I can plan something like that" he said with a smile, "if I wanted to" he added.

"Looking back now I wish you had done it more often" she teased, referring to all the times she had to prepare his dates for him, the latest being Scottie.

"They didn't matter" he admitted, as she swallowed hard.

"Let's sit" he continued, as she only noticed then a table set on the balcony, with beautiful covers, wine glasses and a candle.

Donna took a deep breath as she sat down, realizing how much this night was going to be difficult.

She then heard the footsteps of someone as she turned around to see Tom, holding plates and a bottle of wine, about to serve food.

"Tom!" Donna said in surprise.

"Donna, it's been a long time" he said, smiling at her.

"Le Cirque's black tie scallops" he said, putting down the plates in front of them and leaving

"Le Cirque's? How did you do that?" she asked Harvey. Le Cirque was only one of New York City's legendary restaurants.

"I remember you loved those and I know a friend who's friends with the chef…" he started before she cut him.

"Daniel Boulud?" she shouted in a fangirl matter that made Harvey laugh.

"Yes…I guess" he shrugged. "Anyway he just cooked us these and Tom got them here" he explained.

"And what is Tom doing here?" she asked again.

Harvey loved to see her surprised. For the first time in his life he was able to do something she didn't know about, something for her.

"I was looking for someone to serve the food so I asked him. He said he could do it, and I couldn't think of someone who's a better match for us" he said, noticing how she flinched at the word 'us'

She nodded silently, resting her back on the chair and trying to take in all that was happening.

"Come on let's eat before it gets cold" he said, pouring her some of her favorite wine.

Donna realized then how difficult her night was going to be. She was too afraid of what was happening; Harvey had done everything perfectly so far, but she still yet had to listen to what he had to say.

It was going to be a very long night.

_Wow! Thank you all for your amazing response. So yes, getting there little by little. I'm sorry I cut it here, but I felt the need to cut it in two parts to avoid making you wait long. As usual, let me know what you think._

_Awaiting your reviews_

_-G_


	15. Chapter 15

They were mid-way through their entrees when Harvey started the conversation.

"Any new plays planned?" he asked, making her eyebrows rise in surprise. He never asked her such things, he usually found out on the opening night.

"Euhm, I've been preparing for a few auditions but I didn't go" she admitted.

"Why not?" he asked her with surprise.

"I don't know. I'm not sure this is what I want" she said, never really thinking about it before she spoke.

"But it was your dream" he argued.

"It was…it is. But I don't know if I'm still good at it" she confessed.

It was so different for Harvey to watch Donna so unsure of herself.

"Are you kidding me? You were amazing at that last play" he said. He remembered how he couldn't take his eyes off of her, focusing more on how her lips moved and how she owned the stage, walking gracefully around, than on the actual words she was saying.

* * *

"_The only thing I got going on tonight, is you" he had said, as her heart fluttered in her chest at the sound of the most affectionate thing he had ever said to her._

* * *

She smiled softly before he continued speaking.

"I'm serious Donna, you shouldn't let go of it. You love it, I can see it, don't give up on it" he said, his words unconsciously meaning much more.

"And I'm sorry" he said, as she waited for him to elaborate, wondering what he was sorry for.

"What for?" she asked when he wouldn't continue.

"I'm sorry I've been so blind to your needs. You shouldn't have given up so much for me" he said, his voice lower.

"It was my choice" she argued, surprised by his apology. "But thank you Harvey, it means a lot" she admitted.

And it did. Donna had wondered a lot of times why she had sacrificed so much for Harvey. She didn't regret it, not for a second, but she grew tired from how much he expected her to do so. She felt neglected, as though her dreams and goals didn't matter, although she knew Harvey's intent was far from that. He had grown accustomed to their routine, to the comfort of things between them, and she had blamed herself for giving him so much initially.

Tom came at that moment and changed the plates, announcing to them.

"Main course will be ready in ten minutes" he said.

"Come on let's go" Harvey said, standing up and extending his hand to Donna.

"Where to?" she said hesitantly before she put her hand in his.

He dragged her down to the theater, climbing the stage with her.

"Show me something" he said.

"Oh no Harvey" she argued.

"Come on, just a little monologue or something" he pushed, sitting on the broken seat in the first row.

"You're making me feel like you are a Sultan and I should be dancing for you" she groaned, her tone annoyed.

"That I wouldn't mind at all" he flirted as she shot him a dark look.

"Do you need a little help?" he quipped, making her roll her eyes.

"Please you? I don't want you to bullshit talk to me" she teased.

He stood up, getting up on the stage next to her as she watched him carefully, studying his every move. He stepped close to her before he spoke.

"If I profane with my unworthiest hand  
This holy shrine, the gentle fine is this:  
My lips, two blushing pilgrims, ready stand  
To smooth that rough touch with a tender kiss." he recited, as Donna's eyes widened in surprise.

He flashed his signature smile, so proud to have surprised her, before he gave her an encouraging look to continue. He was sure she knew the rest, he was pretty sure he had heard her practicing it once in the file room.

"Good pilgrim, you do wrong your hand too much,  
Which mannerly devotion shows in this;  
For saints have hands that pilgrims' hands do touch,  
And palm to palm is holy palmers' kiss" she answered hesitantly, her voice shaking when he stepped even closer to her.

"Have not saints lips, and holy palmers too?" he said taking her hand, his eyes never leaving her lips.

Donna felt like a current had passed through her at his touch, taking a step back and letting go of his hand.

"How come you know Romeo and Juliet?" she asked astonished.

"It was the final play in one of my high school years" he explained.

"And let me guess, you were Romeo?" she asked in disbelief.

"No I was actually a bush in the background" he answered as she started giggling.

"Hey! I was a handsome bush" he pouted jokingly

"I'm sure you were" she mocked, not noticing a small piece of wood sticking out of the rest of the floor. She lost her balance then, Harvey rushing to hold her before she fell. His arm held her close from the waist as she giggled pleasantly.

"I know we agreed I am handsome but no need to literally fall for me" he flirted, his breath caressing her skin. She slapped him lightly on the chest, before her eyes caught his. They stood close for a few seconds before she started wondering what the hell she was doing. She came here for answers, answers to help her decide what to do, and not to remind herself of all the things she loves about him. She blamed the alcohol in her blood for not helping either.

He seemed to read her thoughts as he said: "Let's go back, main course must be ready". His voice grew somber again, his hand settling on her lower back, guiding her out.

They ate the main course while Harvey talked to her about his weekend at Marcus', his face lightning up as he spoke of his niece and nephew.

"Look how tall they are now!" he said, taking his phone off and showing her a series of pictures. One of them had Harvey down on the floor, Alex and Sophia tickling him as his body stretched out on the floor. She looked at how happy his face was, how much he fit in that picture and couldn't stop wondering how different their lives would have been had they taken another path. Would he have wanted kids? How many would they have? She drifted in her thoughts, not noticing her eyes welling up.

"Hey" he said softly as soon as he noticed her eyes, leaving the phone by his side. She stood up immediately when she felt the wetness in her eyes, walking towards the balcony. He picked up the jacket he had brought, noting how small goose bumps covered her skin, before he walked up to her.

"Are you ok?" he asked, wrapping the jacket around her shoulders. It was stupid to ask, he knew exactly what was wrong but couldn't bring himself to talk. He was scared of his own words, of how badly he would screw up.

"Harvey this date is…" she started saying before slowing down, as if assessing her words. "Perfect. It's been perfect but I need you to talk to me" she said her voice breaking. She cursed herself for showing so much fragility, before she shut down the tears in her eyes.

"You're right" he said, mustering all the courage he had in him. He remembered Meg's words before he started talking.

"I don't know how to say it, so I'm just gonna come out and say it" he started, before he realized he had made a mistake.

_Was he so cruel?_ Donna though, _using the same words that once made me feel so stupid again._

"Seriously Harvey?!" she shouted, turning around and walking away, unsure where she was going.

Harvey panicked, hating himself for his words, before his hand reached out to hold her arm, making Donna face him.

"No Donna, I didn't mean to…" he said, his heart breaking at the sight of how disappointed she looked.

"Look I knew from the moment I met you in that bar fifteen years ago that you were something else" he started. "But I had never thought you'd become this important to me. I admit, the attraction was physical at first, but it changed" he continued.

A million thoughts were rushing through Donna's head, wondering if he meant he wasn't even attracted to her in any way anymore.

"I mean when we slept together, god damn it Donna it was the best time for me" he said frustrated. "And at that time I wasn't over-thinking things. I didn't even think about what it meant to me. And then you insisted to keep that rule of yours" he explained, his tone desperate

"This rule was only to pr-" she shouted.

"To protect yourself from me, I know" he whispered in pain. "But I didn't think that after that night you'd still follow it" he confessed.

She seemed to be lost at these words, not really understanding what he meant.

"When I told you to come and work for me, I didn't want you to JUST work for me" he explained more clearly. "I thought there was a possibility for both and-"he continued before she stopped him.

"You didn't even slightly fight it Harvey" she argued, her tone tired.

"Because I wasn't ready and you know it. I assessed the situation in a fraction of seconds; I was going to screw it up and I couldn't lose you. So I took your deal, and even then a part of me thought things would change" he argued.

"How was I supposed to know all this? You've never shown anything for fifteen godamned years!" she said angrily.

"Look Donna" he said, clasping his hands together, "I am not good with words and you know that. This game my mother taught me, and how she left me, it fucked me up. What I'm trying to say is that I wasn't ready, I don't even know if I am now" he said.

"What do you KNOW Harvey?" she pushed again. She wasn't going to go easy on him, eager to hear the whole truth.

"What I know is that you make me a better man. The part I love most about me, it's you Donna" he murmured.

* * *

"_You mean it's ten times harder for you to get me out off" she had said._

"_Donna, you of all people should know by now that to me they're the same thing" he had said honestly_

* * *

"Without you I wouldn't be half the man I am. You are the only one that is able to make me admit my mistakes but somehow manages to fix the consequences of my clouded judgment. I meant it when I said that it didn't matter if anyone else loses faith in me, but with you it's different"

* * *

"_That doesn't make me a good man, that makes you a good man for me" he had argued._

* * *

"You accept me for who I am, you make me laugh" he enumerated.

Donna couldn't hear all of this.

"Harvey all I can hear in this is you, you, you" she argued. She knew she was being hard as she could see him as nervous as he'd ever been, his difficulty with expressing his feelings was not foreign to her. But she needed a clearer version of what he was saying.

"Wait a minute Donna, I'm trying here" he pleaded softly.

She didn't say a word, waiting for him to say more.

"This is the you part" he said, his palm sweaty with nervousness.

"You are the smartest most incredible woman I know. You are the only one I trust when I was convinced once that I would never trust any woman again. You are kind, you make me laugh, you get me. And god damn it Donna the way you curl your lip when you concentrate, it drives me nuts. Do you ever wonder why we barely touch? It's because I cannot even fathom the things I'd feel" he explained, his fist clenching as if restraining themselves from touching her. "I am sorry I didn't treat you the way you deserve" he said.

"What changed Harvey? Why are you telling me all this now?" she asked, her voice shaking.

"I honestly don't know. You always go on dates and it had never affected me because I somehow knew you'd come back to me. I know how selfish that sounds but it's the truth. And whenever I'm not sure it drives me crazy. Stephen? I beat the shit out off him for YOU. That guy at the bar? Same. And I'd do it all over again, forever" he said desperately.

Donna was fighting the urge to hug him, feeling the words still coming out of his mouth.

"And I was never sure what you felt. You encouraging me to be with Scottie only meant that you didn't mind it at all. And maybe it is the case, maybe the hint of something that I saw when you told me you loved me the other night is a grain of fiction in my head, and maybe I'm deluded but I need to say those things. After my mom left us I always wanted to say something to my dad. I said to him one night 'I want to tell you something'. He said 'you can tell me tomorrow'. I had never told him how much I loved him. He was my dad. We slept in the same bed after my mom left. There was never a right time to say it, it was always unnecessary. The books in my father's shed were sighing. The sheets were rising and falling around me with him breathing. I thought about waking him, but I was unnecessary, there would be other nights. And how can you say I love you to someone you love? I rolled onto my side and fell asleep next to him. Here's the point of everything I have been trying to tell you Donna. It's always necessary" he concluded, taking a deep breath of air.

Donna was surprised to hear those words, the way he opened up to her refreshingly nice. She still waited as she saw him struggle with words.

There it was, the moment of truth.

"I love you Donna. I'm in love with you. I think I've been in love with you longer than I can remember. And I know I'm intolerable, and I have more issues than the Middle-East conflict and I am not even close to deserving you but here I am. I'm not promising the moon or a rainbow Donna. And I know I'm going to screw up a lot and there's so much to face but I hope you'll tell me where I went wrong because I'll believe you. We've already faced so much together. And I'm scared, hell I'm terrified of how much I could screw it up but I'm even more terrified of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel when I'm with you. I don't want to lose you, come back to my life" he concluded, surprised by his own words.

Donna's eyes were filling up with tears before she spoke.

"You're a fucking idiot Harvey"

[To be continued]

* * *

_First of all thank you for the reviews! So what do you think of Donna's reaction? I hope you enjoyed reading it, can't wait to read your opinions._

_Don't forget to drop a review!_

_-G_


	16. Chapter 16

"You're a fucking idiot Harvey" she said.

Harvey's face went from genuine to complete shock, not expecting such a response. His hands nervously moved around his legs, anxiously waiting for her to speak.

"You are telling me that after all this time, you're not sure of how I feel about you?" she asked, tears in her eyes.

Harvey bit his lip, shaking his head in a no gesture. He didn't know, not for sure. Sure he had doubts, hopes, but she always did something that would change his mind, make him realize that maybe it's all in his head.

"Everyone could fucking see it Harvey! Louis, Tanner and Hardman" she argued.

"You always pushed me to be with someone else Donna, how did you expect me to take that?" he argued back.

"I have pushed you to be with other people because I wanted you to be happy Harvey" she said choking, "Even if it wasn't with me" she whispered, a tear streaming down her face.

* * *

"_I want you to be happy" she had answered his accusation, her voice cracking._

"_That's an evasive answer" he shot back._

"_No it isn't, just isn't up to me to decide what that is" she had answered truthfully._

* * *

"You are the only one who can make me happy Donna" he breathed, his hand reaching for her face, his thumb wiping the tear away.

She looked up to meet his eyes, as he felt a current passing through. He wanted to just pull her into a kiss, hold her and never let go. But he could see she still had things on her mind, questions to ask, words to say.

"What are you exactly asking me Harvey? Are you telling me to be your assistant again?" she pushed. She was getting exhausted as much as he was but she needed a clear definition of what they were about to walk into.

He took a few seconds to formulate a coherent sentence before he spoke.

"I am asking you to give me, to give us a chance. I think I'm the closest to complete when I'm with you and I don't want anything more than protect you and take care of you. It's all out Donna, I want to be with you; I don't know how we're going to make it work, how different things will be, but I want to be with you" he confessed, his hand reaching to hold hers.

She didn't say anything, tears still forming in her eyes.

"Do you want to be with me?" he mustered the courage to ask.

"Only on two conditions" she whispered, her voice shaking.

"Anything" he answered.

"One: I want you to promise me that if things start going bad, if we start screwing it up, we step back and salvage our friendship. Two: I am not changing Harvey, I'm still calling you out on your shit" she enumerated.

"I can't do that Donna" he said, his voice stern.

Her eyebrows went up in surprise.

"I can't pretend nothing had happened and be friends with you. We've never been just friends, not to me. I'd be lying to myself if I said that we were. I'm all in Donna; I'm not getting into this with a back-up plan in case this doesn't work out. It's all or nothing, I am not one to do things halfway" he explained, his thumb caressing her soft skin.

"I'm scared" she confessed, barely whispering.

"Me too" he said nodding. "But we're Donna and Harvey, we'll make it work" he tried to reassure her. "And I don't want you to change anything about yourself Donna. I'm just asking you to be a pain in my ass in all other domains as well, not just at work. So will you? Be a pain in my ass? For good?" he tried to joke, his heart racing so fast as he waited anxiously for her response.

Her face doesn't move for a few seconds before her lip curls up in a small smile.

"Only if you remain an asshole" she shot back, her hands resting on his chest.

"Always" he whispered, before she closed the distance between their mouths.

She tasted exactly like the last time he had kissed her; strawberries and champagne, as his mind struggled to grasp where that taste came from. He smelled the same as well, as she wondered how someone's skin could smell so characteristically nice. It couldn't have been his perfume, she had eagerly convinced him to change it since that last time, the mere hint of its presence sending butterflies into her stomach. He had agreed then, on a condition that she would changer hers too. It was an unspoken mutual understanding, that they would help each other forget that last time; they wouldn't have lasted otherwise.

They smelled and tasted the same, but the kiss was different.

The other time was passionate, clumsy, fast, filled with youth vigor. She recalled not being able to localize where his hands moved on her body or where his lips caressed her skin. This time was steady, slow, but passionate still. The slow burn of their relationship had transcended into the kiss as Harvey slowly kissed every space on her lips, kindly giving it the attention it needed. Donna could sense vividly how one of his hands slipped from her face to her waist, pulling her closer, as his jacket fell down to the floor.

They paid attention to every detail, every move the other one made, as if watching a fifteen year old work reveal itself in small ornaments. Harvey knew that the moment she bit his lower lip was an invitation for his tongue to slide inside her mouth. His tongue slid past hers, before she gave him full access, as their tongues battled much like they did every day.

Donna had been kissed before, by men who did a very good job. But they never gave kissing their whole attention, they couldn't. Even she couldn't; their minds always on something else. But right now Harvey was kissing her without doing anything else. She felt at that moment like she was his whole universe, and finally understood what it meant for a moment to be eternal, not having any plans and not going anywhere.

They broke the kiss then, noticing Tom walking into the balcony with desert.

"Sorry to interrupt" he awkwardly said as Donna and Harvey giggled, and she rested her forehead on his.

"Desert?" he whispered, his breath tickling the corner of her mouth.

She nodded as he took her by the hand, leading her to the table.

Two plates of Mango tart topped with whipped cream and a chocolate cake with strawberries were set on the table, as Donna and Harvey sat across each other, devouring each other with their eyes.

Donna took a bit out of the chocolate cake, before her spoon reached towards his plate. He shielded it away, teasing her.

"Whipped cream" she pouted.

He shot her a mischievous smile, overfilling his spoon with whipped cream and extending it towards her mouth. She opened it seductively, taking the spoon in, some extra cream residing on the corner of her lips. He gulped at how incredibly sexy she was before he leaned towards her across the table.

"I can help with this" he said smugly, her hand reaching for her face and bringing it closer. He kissed the corner of her mouth, taking whatever was left from the whipped cream.

"Delicious" he said with a husky voice.

"You're gross" she said with a rehearsed disgusted face.

"If I remember correctly you were pretty gross yourself Red" he joked, referring to the other time.

"Your memory is flawed. I'm a total lady" she shot back with a grin.

"Why don't we verify that?" he flirted again.

"Not tonight sailor" she warned.

He realized then how easily she could control him, how he would do anything to please her, allowing himself for the first time to be controlled by his only weakness, Donna.

* * *

"_Caring only makes you…" Jessica had said_

"_Weak. They think you care they'll walk all over you" he had answered angrily._

* * *

And she was going to make him work for it, he knew. But he didn't mind, the way she always challenged him one of the things he loved most about her.

She stood up again, her hands resting on the glass border, facing the view. He walked towards her, standing right behind her, his hands wrapping around her waist, before hers moved to cover them. She fit her head under his chin, and he could feel her weight settle into him. He held her tight and words spilled out of him without prior composition. And this time he made no effort to clamp them off, much like he did all night.

"I remember the first time I had looked, actually looked at the back of your neck. We were at the D.A's office and you were working on some file, and I just looked" he whispered.

He told her of the feeling that had never let go of him since. He talked to her of the great waste of years between then and now, a long time gone.

Nevertheless, over all those wasted years, he had held in his mind the wish to kiss her on the back of her neck, and now he had done it. There was redemption of some kind, he believed, in such complete fulfillment of a desire so long deferred.

* * *

_I want to thank you all those who reviewed the last chapter, your comments were amazing. I hope you enjoyed reading this, the last part is inspired by a book called "cold mountain" from Charles Frazier. I'm not sure if I should continue, I would really like to hear some suggestions. _

_As usual, let me know what you think and leave a review :)_

_-G_


	17. Chapter 17

Hey guys! Thank you for all the amazing reviews.

Just wanted to clarify that this story is over (as some are still wondering why I am not updating); but I am writing a sequel (story that follows this one), called Turning Page. Two chapters are already up, so go check them out and let me know what you think! :)

I'll be updating Turning Page soon.

-G


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